A turn of phrase…BPD is not a drug. Although it does impair consciousness and skew perception. Being borderline places me, literally, on the edge of sanity. Luckily for me I have self awareness and God on my side. One day I’ll be free of this particular set of demons. And on that day I’ll write a book helping others to do the same, for themselves.
Until quiet recently (2, 3months ago)I was not at all familiar with BPD (borderline personality disorder). Initial knowledge thereof came in the form of a friend, expressing concerns for her sister, who holds an official BPD diagnoses.
As she spoke of her sisters struggles with the disorder, listing her symptoms (suicidal ideation, antisocial, compulsive and self destructive behavior’s, social isolation, mood swings and manipulative behavior’s) alarm bells were going off in my mind.
“Pay attention Heidi.” They said. ” Here is another piece to your psychological puzzle.”
I was not unfamiliar with these alarm bells. They’d sounded before, with a similar message but in different context.
They’d sounded 5 years ago, as I watched “queens gambit” and recognized traits of autism (portrayed by the female protagonist) in myself. This is how I self diagnosed autism at the age of 30 (my diagnoses later confirmed by the scientific community, something which I very much resented having to obtain, you can read my rant on this here…my Autism diagnoses)
They’d sounded again about a year after my autism diagnoses, as I happened upon a you-tube video, by Heidi Priebe (great mind. great name! lol) on CPTSD(complex post traumatic stress syndrome)
“CPTSD” was not as tough a pill to swallow as “you’re autistic!” had been. By this point I knew that my neurology was severely impacted by trauma, I was only lacking in the scientific vocabulary to express this to myself and others…
I am a firm believer of not trying to conceal any mental illness or personality disorder… not from your peers, nor your family, not even from your children.
Firstly, because it would be impossible to do so in the long term…(which is why I suspect that many of us turn to self isolation when we become too exhausted to mask for the people in our lives any longer.)
Secondly, because we can not heal if we do not fully embrace the impact of our trauma.
And thirdly, because the cycle of global trauma will only come to an end when we stop being ashamed of it’s manifestation in ourselves and start asking, nay, demanding! For compassion, kindness and allowance. To be. Just as we are. Until the time when we can reverse the brain damage inflicted by external trauma.
…and then the bells tolled for BPD.
Was I surprised or disheartened, by this new level of comprehension?
Not at all. I was relieved, if anything. For awhile I’d known that there was something even more deeply wrong with me, a delusion, unconscious narcissistic tendencies, than CPTSD could explain.
Knowledge of BPD wrapped it all up in a neat little bow for me. Finally, I had the full picture. And I was vindicated. For years I’d been trying to get people to believe just how f@cked up I really was. They didn’t, and why would they? I’d never consciously shown them the depths to my damage.
Nevertheless, the impact of the inner battle I fought against these BPD demons was impossible to hide…the depression, the self imposed isolation, the rapidly ageing face of someone living with their sympathetic nervous system constantly activated, pumping cortisol into the blood, the angst and anxiety and self loathing and pessimism and intrusive thoughts draining their vitality, their very life force.
You cannot ever completely hide the battle within, not when it rages as intensely as it did within me.
We can only fight effectively against the demons that we know. I choose illumination over ignorance, every time. No matter how painful the Truth.
fromtheedgeofsanity.com 
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