Who is God to me, now?

I wrote the prequel to this post, “Who is God to me?” 8 months ago.

8 months since my first prayer to the God of Jesus.

8 months since the existence of demons became apparent to me.

8 months since I realised that everything I thought I KNEW about God, Yoga, and the world we live in, was (mostly) wrong.

I’ve come quiet a ways since then.

Allow me to summarise, in 3rd person, my journey from that first prayer, to where I am today.

SIDE NOTE: Elaboration of (1). (2),(3) ETC, can be found at the end of the article.

TO SUMMARISE:

• Girl is made aware (by God) that she is infested with demons and should cease all yoga practice, teaching and substance use(1), because they are making her vulnerable to infestation(2).

• Girl, desperate and in grips of a suicidal BPD episode, heeds Gods voice, and prays for relief from torment. Experiences peace for the first time since childhood. (Symptoms of CPTSD began at probably 5 or 6 years of age in her)

• Girl wrestles to let go of her identity as a yogi, quickly develops spiritual amnesia and backslides, whilst at the same time adopting a new Christian-ish spiritual practice.(prayer, daily bible reading, sporadic church attendance, sometimes whilst high…)(3)

• The BPD demons return to torment her.

• Despite her very best efforts, girl unable to quit nearly decade long substance abuse.

• Girl pleads with God to help her gain freedom from addiction. Immediately post supplication, quitting becomes EASY (after 2 years of unsuccessful effort on her own power.)

• Cessation of addiction brings little relief, Girl suffers ongoing torment of suicidal ideation and episodes of rage.

•  Girl longs for the peace experienced after her first prayer for deliverance. She concludes that the only permanent solution is to find a minister capable of and willing to perform exorcism on her.(4)

• The search begins. To her surprise (and frustration) her concerns are invalidated and her requests shrugged off, by more than one minister. (Demonology and deliverance, she finds, is not something openly spoken of in most church circles, despite the fact that it is mentioned in scripture multiple times and that spiritual warfare is the backbone of the faith)

• The search continues. Eventually, girl is allocated an apprentice preacher to speak with her on the topic of deliverance. (although once again, her concerns are met with indifference and even condescension) He mostly assures her that deliverance is not needed and that dedicating oneself to Christ is sufficient for salvation. “Repeat after me” He says, as he prays a prayer of surrender to Christ  and declares her saved. She does not feel saved but does not say so. (5)

• The search for deliverance continues.

• Girl backslides even further and finds herself drawn back into the party scene she’d been trying so long to distance herself from(6)

• After one particularly debaucherous night she finds herself, hungover and depressed, surrounded by beauty in one of the cities most lush cafe’s, unable to appreciate the abundance of blessings around her, for the ongoing torment of her mind. Suicidal ideation is back. The elation of the nights party replaced with dread, shame, and frustration at her lack of self control.

• A radiant woman in white, sitting across the khondi from Girl, engages girl in conversation. Initially unwilling, girl is quickly drawn out of herself and into conversation with this beautiful stranger.

• After a few short minutes, Girl deduces that woman in white has been sent by God to show her, once again, the path that she must walk for freedom.

Here follows the reasons for Girls deduction:

– Woman in white is a devout Christian with charismatic leanings, she offers mental health counselling alongside deliverance for optimal (biblical) healing.(7)

–  Girl connects instantly to W in W and finds herself comforted by her presence, (a rarity for Girl, who’s normal state of being is a state of heightened anxiety.)

– W in W shows clear signs of having very strong connection to God, Girl can tell by the love, peace and strength of her presence, and the God knowledge that she possesses.

-W in W shares a similar back story to girl, having overcome many of the same demonic (egoic) influences.

From here, things snowballed.

1 week from the day of their meeting, girl experiences exorcism for the first time.(8)

3 weeks from the day of their meeting,  girl successfully completes her first 3 day fast (would not have been possible without prayer) and is exorcised again, this time in a more private setting. (9)

1 month since the day of their meeting, girl has been baptised,  is doing daily bible study, receiving revelations and expanding awareness. (The God ordained way, without substances or yoga, through faith and obedience) (10)

Back to first person:

I thought I’d found peace before, through yogic practices. I was fooled. Many are. There is power there. But it is not Gods power.

My mental health problems are nearly a thing of the past, incurable personality disorders (Narcissistic personality disorder, borderline personality disorder) disappearing of their own accord.

I might even be slightly less autistic once all is said and done.

I have been searching for you for a long time, Lord.

Thank you for never turning your face from me, even as I spat in it.

I am resurrected from death and my children are blessed because I am healed.  

And I will turn my life into a testimony to your grace, your power, your persistence and your BRILLIANCE.

Salah, and Amen.

1)To those of you who know that I am a mother:  I never used substances irresponsibly, around my children. I used **** to self medicate symptoms of CPTSD and BPD, and I used it once a day, maybe twice on really bad mental health days. Other substances were used sparingly, mainly for the purpose of expansion of consciousness, and I would make sure to never be around or responsible for my children at times of use. You may now put away you tar and feathers. lol. I know that many people will still condemn me for using substances as a mother and to them I would say…I am sorry that you’re triggered. I was doing what I thought needed doing, for the sake of my mental health. No one was harmed in the process, save for a few old dried out nasty tasting fungi.

2)Christians term it “open doors” There are also “demonic footholds”, which are unrepented mental states that give the demons right to dwell within you.  Drugs are not the only open door. Some more examples of open doors are: Excessive alcohol use, gluttony,  pornography, gossip, lying, violence, promiscuity, Immoral behaviour.

Some examples of demonic footholds include: unjustified prolonged anger, malice, greed, unforgiveness, jealousy, bitterness, sloth, gluttony, pride, vanity.

3)O no she didn’t…

4)The modern day church does not reference exorcism anymore, they have renamed it “deliverance” I suppose they think this will freak people out less. I agree. Thanks to Hollywood, the term “exorcism” is inexorably linked to Hollywood horror.

(5)One useful thing did come from that interaction. During the conversation, the subject of praying in tounges came up. That same evening I tried it at home, and was  immediately subject to the following experiences:

.Powerful energy surges

.Divided states of self awareness,  where I would bare witness to the tounges but be separate from the voice mechanism of them.(ie. The tounges came from somewhere that was not me)

.Body convulsing of its own accord.

 .Prayers cumulating in a hiss or a scream,(which I later came to realise was the process of self deliverance. (5,1)

(5.1)I found some of the sensations experienced during these prayer times comparable to kundalini yoga practice. Initially, I (mistakenly) took this for confirmation of yoga as a valid means to connect with God. What was actually happening during kundalini yoga, was demonic infestation. And what was happening during prayer in tounges, was the expulsion of those demons. Hind sight is 20/20. Thank God for the grace of God.

(6)Made all the more difficult due to the fact that so many amazing, talented, cool, liberal open minded inspirational people, are part of that party scene. I wish that I did not have to say goodbye and it is my hope that, some how… they are still able to see me the way that they used to.

(7)undeniable synchronicity! Seek and ye shall find.

(8)At a worship session in public, which I do not recommend. ( I feel deliverance is best done privately surrounded by a few people you are comfortable with.) Surrender is vital to the process. It will not be as effective if you are tense or on guard. My first experience of exorcism began spontaneously. I was surrounded by worship music and in close proximity to someone who walks very closely with the Lord. It was intolerable for the demons. All she needed was to put her hands on me and they couldn’t get out fast enough. The sensations were the same as I’d experienced when speaking in tounges ,and this is when I reached the conclusion that I’d been self delivering, all along. Only nowhere near as effectively as Kristel could deliver me.

(9) I cannot say what the experience would be like for everyone, but for me…the demons were stubborn and legion. Pride. Vanity. Unforgiveness. The spirit of murder (no i haven’t murdered anyone…but I had the urge to once, quickly repressed, when I was a child strangling her younger brother, which you can read about in a previous post.(BPD and me) I attributed this to early onset psychosis which self awareness prevented from developing fully. Now I see, at that moment of violence, a demon entered me. At the instant of entry, I became aware of and frightened of it, repressed it by force of will, but it never left me. BPD is characterized by episodes of rage. Perhaps all people with BPD have a repressed spirit of murder within them. Perhaps psychopaths are severely traumitised people who have not been gifted self awareness the way that I was.)

(10)HARD!!!! Surrender and the resulting humility is the most hard core thing you’ll ever do.