From the edge of sanity

Category: Philosophy/spirituality

Essays on philosophical and spiritual thought-musings on meaning, perception and the divine. It always comes back to God, in all Her guises.
My aim? To identify (to myself) His sacred face through different lenses. Eastern philosophy, Christian theology, states of altered consciousness. The search continues…

  • Yoga no more?

    Everything (well…not quiet everything) I thought that I KNEW, might after all…be wrong. Or partially true. True to a point and perspective.

    Yoga woke me up and gave me power. But were those powers in my best interest? It’s all relative.

    Maybe, what worked yesterday will not work tomorrow. I am developing a new spiritual practice and this time I am utilizing the teachings of Jesus and some Christian theology.

    Yoga was the catalyst.

    Allow me to share my story.

    My yoga journey began on a bathroom floor.

    8 years ago, I was employed as a plant operator on a new build pumped storage power station. Good pay and benefits. 8 hour shifts. A good stable job. Employment for which many would be grateful.

    But I was suffocating.

    I was a rat trapped in a cage. Was this going to be my life? Stuck in small town South Africa, living just down the road from my childhood home and all the unsorted trauma baggage that came with it.

    A slave to employment and security. Completely miserable in my existence but too afraid to take steps to free myself. Too depressed to imagine that I deserved anything more than this life I’d stumbled into, blindly, lazily . On autopilot.

    I didn’t care about my work and I was a terrible employee.

    Which is why, without an ounce of guilt.. I’d sneak off to the ladies bathroom to practice yoga whenever I had the chance.

    At first, I practiced purely for the physical gains. Vanity driven by low self esteem. (2 sides of the same coin? A topic for another day?) *

    For most of my teenage years and early adult life, I’d suffered from food addiction and struggled to maintain a healthy( astetically appealing) weight.

    (thanks, in large part,  to my mother, who suffers from food addiction herself...and my sister…and my mothers mother…my aunts my friends my female cousins. Coincidence? I think not. *Emulating the collective: What’s yours (addiction) is mine*

    To compensate for my unhealthy attachment to food, I threw myself at a lifestyle of intense exercise, hyper fixating on one fitness fad after the next, desperate to find that magical key that would open the door to a firm, slender figure.

    I was vain back then, unconsciously so. My self worth based solely on appearance.

    (A fate met by many an abused girl, our self esteem diminished in a conservative patriarchal society that places all emphasis on beauty and none on intellect.)

    Of course, this approach yielded disappointing results(because no amount of exercise can compensate for excessive food intake…hindsight is always 20/20, isn’t it?)

    Also, I was damaging my body and my psyche with the intensity of the exercise which I was forcing upon myself.

    There came a time when I was no longer able to lie to myself. This extreme amount of effort was yielding virtually no results, and I was still a slave to my food addiction.

    Enter Yoga

    I approached Yoga, initially, in much the same way. From a yang mindset. Push, sweat, suffer…”Sweat is your fat crying!” (Jillian Michaels provided my workout mantra…)

    But it didn’t take long for the shift to begin, such is the power of Yoga.

    My wonderful You-tube yoga teachers would sprinkle some Yogic wisdom into their asana based classes.

    50% Stirha, 50% Sukha” (50% effort, 50% ease…)

    This was the first message (delivered by Lesley Fightmaster, may her kind and brightly shining soul rest in peace) that I absorbed and integrated (begrudgingly) into my practice.

    I was astounded by the results.

    In a very short space of time, (with half the effort..) I began to see evidence of this wisdom for myself.

    Their philosophy was correct.

    No amount of crunches or weight lifting yielded the results that an hour of gentle, mindful yoga did. Later, I’d reduce practice time to 30minutes and still see the same results. I was getting stronger, I was losing weight, and the irony of it all…I didn’t even care any more.

    Because a far more significant shift was taking place, inside of my mind.

    My Self awareness began to expand and I could suddenly see, the why of my food addiction, from whence it had come… and once I understood this, it lost it’s power over me.

    The weight dropped off effortlessly and 8 years later ( at the age of 35, after having twin boys…) it is STILL effortless to maintain a health weight.

    It’s crazy how for me, it’s not even a THING anymore. But if I take the time to reflect, let my heart travel back in time with me… it remembers how very HARD it was, to live in a body that you knew wasn’t what is should be. Not due to natural selection or tragedy or happenstance…but because of YOU. You and your bad habits and food addiction.

    To be free of food addiction is liberation for the soul as much as it is for the physique.

    With this new Self awareness came a deeper understanding of the why of Me.

    The weight issues were a symptom of a much larger underlying issue that I hadn’t even known was there….CPTSD. Childhood trauma.

    From here it cascaded… my healing journey had begun. I made the decision to respect my soul…

    And turns out, my soul hated the life I had chosen for us.

    Yoga gave me the insight and the strength to ask for more for myself.

    Most importantly, it opened my eyes and pointed the way to God. A God I’d run from but who had never left my heart.

    It would be a poetic end to say that it was solely this expanded self awareness that led to a better way of life for me, and I suppose in small ways it did…

    I was able to admit to myself that the shift work was having severe impact on my already shaky mental health. I advocated for myself, and my manager was kind enough to honor my needs.

    But ultimately, it was God who provided the means for me to leave that soul destroying job I loathed and was not at all competent at.

    Through a set of providential circumstances (more on that in another post…*God’s hands*)I was able to quit my job, and left that small town to move to an also rather small but not LADYSMITH small…and wonderfully international) 3rd world city.

    Here in Lilongwe, capital of Malawi ,I studied yoga, and so began a 7 year long intensive yogic spiritual journey that did exactly what it said it would…expand my consciousness. BUT. It did some other not so good things too… this will ALSO (you guessed it…) be a topic for another post.(*YOGA: The good, the bad and the demons*)

    Some Christians say that Yoga is evil, but look at what it has given me…

    Freedom, Self awareness, direction and connection to God.

    Anything that can do all this for you, cannot be totally evil my friends. (*Nuggets of truth…*)

    I have partaken in powerful practices ignorantly, and maybe they brought about some mental/spiritual harm…but I believe the impact of that harm is far outweighed by the impact of the benefits.

    Yoga may not be THE path to God, but for me, it was a path leading towards that path.

    I will be forever grateful.

    Namaste, in nomine patris et filli et spiritus sancti.

    READ NEXT: Journey to a more conscious me

  • Who is God to me?

    My spiritual world was turned upside down the day I grew desperate enough to pray to a Christian God I’d stopped believing in 22 years ago…

    Only a few weeks before, I’d been a devout Yogi, with daily spiritual practice of Qi qong and taoist centred meditations. I thought I’d find God in these practices alone, for seven years I’d pursued them with an obsessiveness that only an autistic can.

    Then came the 2 weeks from hell. ( or perhaps… from God?) A little more than 14 days of zero relief from the barrage of things that can and often do go wrong when you live in a 3rd world country.

    I was nearly mugged, 200m from my house. (My spidey senses saved me, but the incident really shook me and shattered the naïve sense of safety I’d carried around since leaving South Africa for Malawi, 7 years prior)

    A transformer blew up near our house and our whole neighborhood was without power for nearly a week.

    My boys and I contracted malaria and alongside a co-occuring parasite , leading to countless blood tests and treatment protocols, none of which really worked till 3 weeks in.

    Malaria is extremely dangerous in children under the age of 5. My boys are 4 years old. They take a daily dose of prophylaxsis, but over the course of the 6 months wet season, I’d missed one or 2 doses. ( my frantic and not often fully present Autistic and ADD brain to blame…)

    So on top of the stress, I carried a heavy burden of guilt, shame and frustration.

    Misdiagnosis and incorrect treatment protocols are, unfortunately, pretty commonplace here. I did not know who’s opinion to trust, and my BPD/CPTSD mind is given to catastrophizing…I was convinced that the were going to die because they hadn’t received correct treatment and I would have to fight to save them.

    My little boys needed blood test after blood test…some clinics insisted on drawing from the vein. This experience was traumatic for them, by the end of it they were pretending to be healthy so as to avoid seeing another doctor.

    It was a real trial for me as well, and I was losing the fight against my triggers. Being an autistic mother who is very sensitive to sound in general and the sound of her children’s screams in particular, not to mention the stress and frustration of it all…I was having meltdown after meltdown (ie: autistic overwhelm.)

    Eckhartte Tolle speaks about the pain body. When it is activated, your sympathetic nervous system is in overdrive and your thoughts and emotions are impaired and compromised. In someone with Autism, CPTSD and BPD, the pain body is intense and will often lead to autistic overwhelm and meltdowns, which can be a very scary thing. (and this is why it is my life’s mission to heal my brain, so that my children are not impacted by my trauma as I was by my father and mothers trauma.)

    And then… the straw that broke the camels back…

    I got a bad haircut.

    Like, a really bad haircut.

    People can be, and many often are…assholes. Before anyone tells you to not care about what people are saying about you (and your bad haircut)think about this…

    We DO impact each other. Not only our actions or the words that we speak but also our thoughts and feeling’s towards each other. Autistic people are super sensitive to all kinds of energies. Which is why I have zero self esteem and have sufferred most of my life with debilitating depression. Instead of denying the impact we have on one another, would it not be better to ask that we start being kinder, to each other, to ourselves? Just a thought. I digress…back on topic.

    At this point my mind was in full catastrophizing mode. My pain body constantly activated and my heart closed. I had no patience, kindness or time for my children. I hated myself and my mind and the body that assailed me with the unbearable sensations of heightened anxiety and dread.

    And then a thought came to me.

    (Actually, this same thought had been coming for awhile…a few months…whenever I was in the grips of a powerful BPD episode the voice would come…)

    And the voice said…

    “This is not only trauma. This in NOT only mental illness. This is a demon.”

    I’d dismissed this voice before, but the time had come where I was desperate enough to heed it.

    So I googled “demonic possession”. The article which caught my eye resonated with me, was surprisingly scientific and practical. It spoke of demons and “infestation” (guys i know how nuts this sounds but bare with me..)in terms that I could understand from a psychological perspective.

    My next step was to you search tube for a prayer, to “release myself from the grips of demons.” I was still dubious and slightly embarrassed at this point, but like I said… desperation drove me.

    For 15 minutes straight, I prayed to a God I’d shunned and laughed at, repeating the words of the prayer along with the you-tube bot, letting my mind focus only on the words and their meaning, pleading for relief from my “demons”

    And the relief was immediate. A peace settled on me that I cannot remember every feeling. I carried this peace with me for the next few days.

    I was still in my time of trial, things were still going wrong, we were all still ill and my book launch was coming up and technology was failing me…but I had peace. For the first time in my life, probably.

    So now I believe in demons and “open doors”. I believe that I have been wrong about many things. I am not ready to shun yoga and maybe I don’t have to, but I do see now that I can no longer enter into any spiritual practice lightly.

    Yoga gives power, it is undeniable. But nowhere in all my years of practice did any teacher, article. book or scripture mention demons or how important it is to protect your mind and body from their influence.

    There is alot more to know. I continue to pray for direction and correction when and where needed.

    This is the end of this post but not of my story…God lives rent free inside my mind and you’ll find many of my posts centre around him, follow the link below for more or check out the posts under the category “philosophy/spirituality”

    READ NEXT: Yoga no more?

  • The pain of purification


    James 4:8- Draw nigh to God, and he will draw nigh to you. Cleanse your hands, ye sinners: and purify your hearts, ye double minded. Be afflicted, and mourn, and weep: let your laughter be turned into mourning, and your joy into sorrow.
    Be humbled in the sight of the Lord, and he will exalt you.

    “Those who come from darkness will have their eyes burnt by the light”

    It is by fire that we are sanctified, either here on earth while we have an opportunity to repent and turn to God, or after human life, in the fires of purgatory for a painful season.

    (1 Corinthians 311-15:Every man’s work shall be manifest; for the day of the Lord shall declare it, because it shall be revealed in fire; and the fire shall try every man’s work, of what sort it is. If any man’s work abide, which he hath built thereupon, he shall receive a rew ard. If any man’s work burn,he shall suffer loss; but he himself shall be saved)

    OR in hell for eternity, if our hearts are hardened to the point of no return.

    Christ sees and knows all
    there is no fooling Christ.


    If you are suffering now be grateful for it, you are being sanctified, purified. Remember when I told you to be learn to be comfortable with discomfort? Just like coal is turned into a diamond through intense pressure over time, and as steel is forged in fire to be made from something weak into something strong, so too is God forming you into a precious diamond, forging you into a powerful weapon, in the fires of His judgment.

    Judgment is SEEING what Christ sees, FEELING the same way that Christ feels, about our sin and ignorance, about every vice we have adopted, that we have made part of our identity, that ultimately is what separates us FROM Christ, from knowing ourselves through Christ, from becoming what Christ created us to be, as opposed to what the world and the ruler thereof has created us to be.

    This is painful process and can feel like dying. It kind of is, because so far you have not been living in your Christ identity. Instead, you now identify with what satan created you to be, and separating yourself from that identity WILL feel like a death, and it should.

    This part of you…once it dies, will make room for the REAL you to emerge from the flames.

    Humbled. Strong. Unbreakable. A powerful weapon for God to yield. And totally at peace, because you are FINALLY living your purpose in you true nature, Christed, sanctified.

    Thank Christ for the opportunity to
    be purified now. Suffering while human IS overwhelming and seems sometimes impossible to bare, but the suffering of sanctification while human is a
    grazed knee in comparison to the suffering of a pure spirit in the spiritual realm.


    You are now suffering for your own transformation, sufferring to rid you of your sins and vices, your blindspots and impurities, just like Jesus suffered before you.

    But please, never forget that Jesus is FULL of mercy for you as you suffer. He forgives you even before you ask. To ask for forgiveness is for your benefit not His, for humility and to break the bond with the stony heart that satan formed within you.

    And Jesus has given us many tools to get through this suffering. He is teaching us to lean on Him, to rely on Him and not our own strength, to trust in HIS plan and to relinquish the steely grip that we have on our own lives. The process of letting go is a trial in itself, but it is very important to work at surrender, everyday.

    Habitare in me est quia parvus sum -“He abides in me because I am small” –Saint Gemma Galgani

    MARK 10:15-Amen I say to you, whoever does not receive the kingdom of God as a little child, shall not enter into it.”

    Small children are totally reliant on their parents and they do not need to have it any other way. They are perfectly happy letting the parent do everything for them, although early on they are expected to learn from their parents and apply themselves to their own growth. They also give and receive PURE love freely, unrestrained.

    Work at making yourself small so that Christ can abide in you also, so that you may suffer your sanctification in relative ease, do not fight against humility or it will prolong the process, believe me. I have learned this the hard way.

    The tools Jesus gave us to endure this multi layered and complex process are as follows:

    PRAY for strength to endure.

    Christ knows what you can handle and will never give you more than you are capable of baring. Satan will come disguised as your own thoughts, and tell you otherwise. He will try to get you to blame Christ for your suffering (which, I mean..is not completely without merit but never lose sight of the bigger picture here. Just like a parent will apply burning ointment to a minor cut, knowing that it will hurt the child, to prevent an infection and WORSE suffering down the road, Christ will judge us in love and let us suffer the fires of His sanctifying grace, knowing that he is saving us from a far worse fate )

    Satan will tell you that it is not fair. He will try to get you to feel sorry for yourself as a ways of keeping your from repenting of and renouncing your own sins, the part you have played in your own sufferring. He will try to get you to blame others for your state of mind and heart. He will try to get you to HATE those people who have damaged you.

    When these thoughts and feelings come, do not indulge in them. Thank satan for plaguing you, because He has just reminded you to pray.

    It really hurts God to see you suffer, just as it hurt Him to see Jesus suffer, yet He
    knows that the suffering that awaits you if you are not purified now, while human, is far greater. Just like He knew, that if Jesus did not suffer then, none of us would have the hope of salvation today.

    Develop trust in Christ.

    PROVERBS 3:5-6 Have confidence in the Lord with all thy heart and lean not upon thy own prudence (prudence means care, caution and good judgment, as well as wisdom in looking ahead)

    Spit in Satan’s face.

    Literally. Turn west and spit, the sun sets in the west symbolizing darkness. It is no coincidence that so much evil comes from the west and the Western way of living is driving many people from the arms of Jesus. Renounce Satan, spit in his face and turn east to embrace salvation, the rising sun, victory over darkness.

    SPIRITUAL PRACTICE

    Fasting– You saw your angel during a period of fasting, you understand that it brings graces. To crucify the flesh is crucial in our spiritual war against the demonic forces that hold us prisoner and keep us from the fullness of Christ.

    When you use the will power to sacrifice something that the body wants and craves, you weaken the hold that your flesh has on you and you strengthen your will power.

    Satan controls us through the flesh. If we exercise will power over our flesh he will no longer to be able tempt us this way, into sin.

    Christ does not want puppets. He does not want robots. He wants swords of steel that he can wield and in doing these spiritual practices, we are participating in the forging process. WE must be giving permission for the mind to be transformed. WE must be making an effort when called to, to strengthen the will power. When we pray for will power, does God give us His will power or does He give us the opportunity to develop our own?

    And it goes without saying…pray during times of fasting. Offer up the sacrifice to help others who are in need, maybe your fellow recovering addicts, because Jesus also calls us to help and pray for one another.

    Give God an inch and He will take you a mile.


    Finally, never forget… even Christ fell under the weight of His cross. If you fall, if you fail, get back up again. And always try to remember, that guilt and shame are of Satan. When you fail He will use it to try and make you give up. Spit in His face. Pray for forgiveness if needed, for graces and strength, discernment so next time you can see the attacks coming before they knock you down. And keep in your mind that this is not a linear process. There will be valleys and peaks. And God (and we!!! your friends, your family…) are with you through it all.

    Praying for you. Cannot wait to meet the real you, I have seen glimpses here and there, and…wow.

  • Salvation through sanctification: Becoming Christs.

    Could I have chosen a more triggering title…

    What does it mean to be “saved?”

    “Salvation is understood as the hope of eternal life in communion with God in heaven.”

    A statement which seems at first glance, pretty straight forward. Many Christians take it at face value and will agree that this statement, broken down into it’s simplest form, means thusly:

    My soul will go to heaven to be with God when this earthly form expires. Ie. I (my soul) will go to heaven and live forever there with God if I am saved, and if I am not saved, when my body dies, my soul goes to hell to suffer everlasting torment.

    In a nutshell: In the minds of most Christians, to be saved means that you are saved from hell, and your soul given everlasting life in heaven.

    This belief is based on the premise that everlasting life only happens in heaven, after your body has died. And that the only time you get to be with God is there, in heaven, as a soul, after your body has died.

    I see things a little differently.

    Catholics prescribes to the belief that God calls us all to be holy, in essence, to be saints. They believe that ONLY saints enter heaven. It is not good enough to be “saved” in the strictly Christian sense. We must be TRANSFORMED. Made HOLY. Sanctified. So that we SEE God the way that Jesus did, KNOW God the way Jesus did.

    “And I will come again, and will take you to myself; that where I am going, you may also be” -John 14:3

    I see Christ as a SPIRIT, a spirit that came to fruition in the man called Jesus, who was ordained to be the man who would manifest this spirit, the spirit and essence of God.

    A spirit of Truth and Love and Obedience and Humility and Servitude. A spirit that can and SHOULD become part of our own psyches, the force to transform the mind and soul.

    “Believe you not that I am in the Father and that the Father is in Me?” John 14:11

    Adonai’s own spirit resided in Jesus and Jesus resided in Gods heart, He could not have performed the miracles that He did if this were not the case.

    To reside in the heart of God means to be Obedient to His will, Humbled to the point of ego death, in essence, an empty vessel to carry out the will of He who sent us all out into the world to discover this Truth for ourselves.

    Jesus was the first and only human to fully embody Gods spirit, He was the first to achieve the empty vessel like state, the humility and obedience, necessary to obtain this state. And He was ORDAINED to do this, from the beginning of time.

    In fact, the spirit of Christ WAS with God in the beggining, at creation.

    “In the beggining was the Word, and the Word was with God and the word WAS God.” John 1:1

    ” In Him was life, and the life was the light of man…there was a man named John, and He came to give testimony of the light.” John 1:4-7

    And so Jesus was born into the world, with the spirit of Christ. He was half divine, half man.

    Was Jesus perfectly divine? I do not believe that He was nor could He have been, for the sacrifice He made to hold any water.

    If God came to earth, knowing COMPLETELY that He was God…there would be no fear in Him, for what is an earthly death to God? There would be no need of faith, for why would God need to have faith in what He KNEW to be true?

    That would not be a sacrifice at all, like an adult pretending to lose at a game to make a child feel good about themself. The adult would not feel the pain of that loss at all and the win would not be real. No, Jesus was made half human, He thought He was that child, and He felt the pain of his sacrifice.

    In the garden of Gethsemany, Jesus asks for the cup to pass from Him..and He cried tears of blood, so deep was His anguish in the knowledge of what He must suffer.

    Jesus also knew He was God yes, BUT the human side of Him, the part of Him grounded in flesh and therefore the ignorance of “sin” ( I find it annoying how easily Christian speak has worked it’s way into my writing but believe me… there is not an easier way to say these things. I can call the flesh “ego” and I can call sin “acts which cause unconsciousness” and I can call “unconsciousness” disconnect from God” and sometimes I will, but sometimes…I’ll stick to biblical terms because lets face it…there won’t be many non Christians reading this article.) Where was I? Ah yes…

    Jesus also knew He was God yes, BUT the human side of Him, the part of Him grounded in flesh and therefore the ignorance of “sin”…doubted. Because that is what it means to be human, that is what it means to be vulnerable to the attack of he who plants doubt and clouds our knowledge of who we were created to be. (I am talking about Satan. Who is not so much the ENEMY of God as he is the embodiment of that which is NOT God, ie. Evil.)

    Also, this is what it means to be called to have FAITH. For what good is faith if we KNOW?

    So, Jesus lived a dual life, inside His mind and outside of it.

    I imagine He fought mental wars against the forces of evil just as any human would do.

    An angel on one shoulder and a demon on the other.

    The big difference being…His faith. His connection to God, and the presence of the Holy spirit AND the spirit of Christ within Him gave Him power to continuously defeat that evil. And so…He was Christ, the faithful, the obedient and humble. God on earth. He became that which He was made to be, over, I believe, many a lifetime.

    There are passages in the bible which hint at reincarnation but since the adoption of this philosophy into eastern spiritual practice it has become something of a swear word amongst Christians. I WILL SPEAK MORE ON THIS IN ANOTHER ARTICLE AND PROVIDE BIBLICAL REFERENCE TOO.

    “But you see me: Because I live, and you shall live. In that day you shall know that I am in my Father: and you in me and I in you.”

    “He that hath my commandments and keepeth them, He it is that loveth me. And he that loveth me shall be loved of my Father: and I will love him and manifest myself to him”

    If anyone love me he will keep my word. And my Father will love him and we will come to him and will make our abode with him.

    So what exactly is the point of this article? Why am I telling Christians that they are not REALLY saved, until they are sanctified, and begin to be transformed by the spirit of Christ, until nothing of their impure flesh remains to marr their perception of God?

    Because I perceive that ALL Christians are stopping short of the goal that God has for them.

    I believe that Christ will come again, but I am still uncertain of the specifics of His coming.

    Will He come again manifested as Jesus, in the same bodily form?

    Or will His spirit come again, manifesting this time through humans already alive? Humans transformed BY the spirit?

    Will Jesus bring the kingdom, or will Gods kingdom come, when God’s will is done…on earth as it is in heaven?

    “Neither shall they say: behold here, or behold there, for behold, the kingdom of God is within you.” Luke 17:21

    And to non Christians, why does this matter?

    I think it is an undeniable fact that, if the world were ruled by men and women manifesting the spirit of Christ, that the world not be in the mess that it is in.

    There would be no inequality, for inequality is a byproduct of greed. There would be no violence, for violence in a byproduct of ignorance, the need to control, prejudice and again…greed. There would be no misunderstandings between religions because Truth would shine a light on long held misconceptions of exactly WHO God is…because the spirit of Christ comes to shake things up and dispels such delusions.

    Was Christ not killed by the Jews for this very reason?

    We are called to be holy, and not by our own strength, because no ways are we strong enough to overcome the ruler of this world, who is Satan. It is only through full surrender to God, and to His spirit, Christ, that we can be strengthened and transformed. And only the faithful will surrender and obey. It goes against the very NATURE of what it is to be human, obedience and humility. Almost as if, our very nature is intrinsically linked to the nature of he who manifests that which is not God..ie Satan.

    Adonai tells us to pray (1 thessalonians) and Jesus tells us HOW. (Luke 11:1)

    Jesus tells us that only those who obey God’s will, will enter into the kingdom of heaven. (Mathew 7:21)

    Jesus also tells us that He will only reveal himself to those that love Him and that to love Him means to obey His commandments. (John 14:21-24)

    I am not “sola scriptura” but I do believe that these verses alone are enough to blow “salvation through faith alone” out of the water.

    God allows mistakes and oversights and if I have made any in this article I know I am forgiven so long as I admit fault and ask forgiveness. God knows.. my intellect has fooled me before.

    I am open, as always, to debates and questions.

    I will end in prayer

    God, Adonai, please show us who you are. Send your spirit to transform our hearts and open our eyes. Be there to comfort us when we awaken and begin to see the life we have lost to sin and ignorance, give us the strength to turn away from sin and the humility to ask for forgiveness. Touch the hearts of non-believers in such a way that it is no longer possible to deny your existence. Free us from bondage. Protect us from Satan and his army of demons who move undetected amongst us, causing generational trauma and turning hearts to stone. SHOW THEM TRUTH ADONAI. Only You can.

    Amen.

    .

  • Hypatia: The first feminist martyr?

    Hypatia was a pagan philosopher of surpassing intellect and beauty. She lived in 355 AD Alexandria, Egypt, then part of the Roman empire.

    She was a prominent and influential mathematician, astronomer and teacher.

    She lived in a very turbulent era of Alexandria’s history. Christianity was on the rise and the Parabalani, a sect of violent zealots who served as Christian militia under the arch Bishop Cyril, spread discord and terror as they sought to force their “faith” onto Jews and pagans alike.

    I use air quotes to describe the so called “faith” of these zealots, because no man with the true love of and for Christ in his heart will perpetrate such violent atrocities on his fellow human. A Christian may act in self defense, yes. And sometimes war was necessary in the pursuit of purging the world of men made evil by the spirits that rule them. But a true Christian would never use violence to force their faith unto another. These men did not know God, and neither did their Archbishop Cyril, for it was he who incited the mob to violently murder Hypatia on false accusations of witchcraft.

    She was 30 years old when met a grisly end at the hands of the Parabalani. She was stoned to death with shards of roofing tiles, and her body mutilated. No man with Christ in his heart will have stomach for such violence, no matter the “sin” of the victim.

    And that she was sinful is not in question, because we all are, every one of us. If God called for the murder of every sinner there would be no one left to populate the earth He created.

    She did not know God, it is true. She did not prescribe to belief in any God, not even her own, for all she could see was the violence perpetrated by the so called believers of these faiths.

    The Parabalani were the only example of the Christian faith that she was exposed to.

    “As far as I am aware, your God has not yet proved himself to be more just or merciful than his predecessors.”-Hypatia, as played by Rachel Weis in the film “Adora”

    Is it then surprising that she refused to bow the knee to the misrepresented God of the parabalani and their ambitious Archbishop?

    I have no doubt that, if she had been allowed to live and use her God given intellect to unravel and marvel at God’s creation, He would have made His way into her heart.

    It is what philosophers are called to… understanding of the nature of creation. God calls us to Him through the intellect. Submission and humility comes later.

    We all come to God in our own way. Some through the heart, some through the mind.

    Hypatia was a pure and gifted being. She died a virgin. She was kind, and compassionate, and a light unto the world into which she was born. She was more Christian than the men who murdered her were.

    The story of Hypatia effected me deeply, because I too identify as an intellectual and a philosopher. God made me this way, and at the beginning of my Christian journey I felt I’d need to deny this truth to be accepted by those who follow Him. In the end, I could not do it, and I very nearly walked away from the Christian faith altogether.

    And then …God led me to Catholiscm.

    I am sure many of you would be surprised to hear that I still consider myself something of a feminist, and that my Catholic faith allows me this freedom. From the outside looking in, it might not seem this way, but since becoming Catholic, I feel for the first time since becoming a Christian, a sense of feminine pride.

    Catholics believe that Mary is crowned as queen of heaven, and that she rules there, alongside her Son Jesus.

    Catholics declare her the most holy and powerful human to walk the earth, second only to Jesus, who was half divine, so there is not real comparision.

    Her courage, humility, chastity, obedience and faith, made her a worthy vessel for the son of God, and she is richly rewarded and revered in the catholic faith.

    None come to God but through the Son…and then Son cannot refuse the mother.

    Yes it is true woman are not permitted a place in the clergy, and for good reason…

    Would you send your daughters to fight in the frontlines?

    We women were not made for the fight, we are too sensitive and precious. Our strength is one of subtlety and loveliness. The soft beauty of a fragrant rose is trampled on the battle field but a source of divine inspiration if left in peace to blossom.

    Does the rose bow to the sun, or does it grow in proclamation of it’s glory? And does the rose not demand respect? For it’s thorns will pierce any who handle it without care.

    Mary was exalted and given a high position of power alongside her son in heaven, for her chastity, faith, obedience, courage and the love she holds in her heart for God and all of His creation.

    She was most likely not an intellectual, which is the way she was created and perhaps this made it easier for her to BE holy. Because an intellectual mind is often plagued by pride, and pride is the largest stumbling block to a would be Christian, but ANY weakness/blindspot/shortcoming can and should be used as a method of sanctification.

    If a prideful intellect can be bent to the will of God, and the voice of that intellect anointed… who amongst us will not be persuaded to turn to Him?

    The human mind longs for knowing, the heart for feeling, and the soul for sanctifying.

    I pray for the souls of the parabalani and their archbishop who surely burn in hell for their misrepresentation of God, and the weeds they planted during this time of violence. Weeds which would strangle many millions of Gods precious roses, and turn many million more away from a false sun that they could not reconcile the strength of their hearts and their minds to.

    I also pray, for the soul of Hypatia. A woman condemned not by God, but by ignorant, unsanctified men.

    Save her soul God, show her your true face. Lead all women who share in her spirit… the intellectuals and philosophers, the scientists and mathematicians…all us roses with thorns…please show us your love, heal our broken hearts, humble us where needed, and help us delight in the minds that you have gifted us, teach us to use them to serve You, despite the world.

    In the name of the Father and of the Son and the holy spirit, Amen.

  • Grains of Truth

    Issue 1

    A BACKSTORY

    When I first became Christian ( as my adult self, about 5months ago now) I had many preconceived notions about what exactly it meant to BE Christian.

    • “Christians are so judgy I’m going to be walking around on eggshells….”
    • “They won’t accept me I’ve done too many things that spit in the face of their religion.”
    • “Christians promote prejudice against homosexuals and oppression of women”
    • “I’m going to be so BORING now and I’m going to lose all my friends…”

    All of these statements and at the same time…none of them, have proven to be true.

    Because no one Christian is the same as another.

    Sure, there are the judgy ones. The hypocrites, the prejudiced…the same can be said for any and all factions of society. I think of these types of people, as ignorant. Unconscious. Unenlightened.

    And anyone who actively seeks God is not going to stay ignorant for long. And if they DO stay ignorant…it means that they were never seeking God in the first place and are therefore not TRUE Christians.

     For the most part, I am finding the majority of Christians to be open minded, kind compassionate and generous people, who don’t deserve the shade that’s thrown their way by ignoramuses like me.

    Also, within the church , there exists a myriad of denominations, some as different from one another as night to day. All in all, I am happy to have had my preconceived notions proven wrong.

     Before me lies a smorgasbord of doctrine… and if the way one denomination practices the faith sets off spiritual alarm bells.. then I am free to explore and find one that feels right.

     As for my non Christian friends…they’re still around. We don’t hang out in the same way we used to but we still have love and respect for one another. I am hopeful that one day, when the time is right, Christ will make an appearance in their lives. Perhaps this work has already began, through me. Because believe me when I say.. I enjoyed that lifestyle just as much as any of them do. And part of me misses it, a pretty big part of me.

    Maybe, by seeing me…a hopeless addict who suffered endless mental torment, living now FINALLY in a place of freedom from addiction, with a clear and happy mind.. they’ll begin to believe in the miracles that God works in the lives of those who seek Him.

    I came kicking and screaming to Christianity, because (through a providential series of events)I came to KNOW, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that God is to be found through Christ. (read my conversion story here: who is God to me.)

    After a lifetime of searching and only scratching the surface, I finally hit oil.

    I am now ready to martyr my ego to move into closer alignment with that which lives in us, and is of God.

    The incessant voice , one of many, that forms part of my (and, most everyone’s??…) psyche. And it says…Seek God. Be good. See and reject this evil that lives within you. Become Holy, that is your purpose. That is the purpose of every soul in creation.

    It’s one thing to imagine the sacrifice needed to achieve liberation of the ego but quiet another thing to weather the experience of your own liberation. I said yes to Jesus, and so began the process of sanctification. And what a painful process it has been.

     But #worthit.

    It really is quite ironic, that…on my journey to knowing God, I find myself back(almost, more or less…) exactly where I started.

    You see, I was born into a “Christian-ish” household. (We called ourselves Christians but, aside from the occasional half hearted prompting from my mother …”we really should all go to church” we were mostly non-practicing.)

    From the vantage point of a child raised in a pretty toxic conservative culture, the doctrine of Christianity had very little to do with God and a lot more to do with justifying abuse of woman and children, and prejudice towards anyone who did not prescribe to their ideologies or hold with their hypocrisy.

    And because I could not reconcile this hypocrisy with who I believed God to be…I shunned the God of Christ, and decided to seek Him elsewhere.

    And I DID find Him, in bits and pieces, as the grain of Truth masking the lies of every other spiritual practice I participated in.

    This is the reason that false religions are so powerful, they contain grains of Truth, every one of them. Satan cannot create, but he can take what God has created and add to it or take away from it, twist it so that it twists US…thirsting souls drinking vinegar believing it to be water.

    Not even Christianity, Gods own religion, is safe from the lies. No one organisation or individual is free from satan’s influence, the web of lies that he spins and the ignorance he breeds, because we live in a fallen world and are under his rule.

    Here, no one is safe, but we can BE saved. God can protect us, if we are willing to take a very close look at ourselves and ask Him to help remove from our minds the ideologies, characteristics, actions and thoughts which keeps God out of our hearts and keeps satan in.

     I am talking about the “process of sanctification”, which lines up with Catholic ideology and is part of the reason I am now a practicing catholic, and this ideology is not unique to Catholicism.

    Buddhism prescribes to a similar philosophy and refers to the process as enlightenment. Psychologists refer “transcendence of ego” and metaphysisist’s  as expansion of consciousness.  All different words for a very similar thing, seen through filters of varying opacity. Some philosophies have it more “right” than others. 

    BUT…(and this is the most important thing)

    Without surrender to Christ, there is no final and permanent transformation. Philosophy can only get you so far. It is not enough to think, and to think that you “know”.

    “ Only Christ has been able to transform my darkened heart and give reprieve to my tormented mind. This is how I know that God is to be found where Jesus says He is.”

    In later issue’s I will discuss the philosophy of “salvation through sanctification” in more detail, and I will also discuss and compare various religions. I have prescribed to the ideologies of most and practiced many of their rituals, and I have learned a thing or two in the process. Exciting things that I am excited to share with you all.

    Thank you for taking the time to read. I look forward to hearing your thoughts in the comments.

    I’ll end this issue with a quote.

    “God waits for us to stop suffering our suffering. He waits for us to say “enough!” Of this world, of it’s evils…of our evils. He waits, He forgives,  He enlightens and transforms, anyone who asks.”

    May Jesus find you exactly where you are.

  • Who is God to me, now?

    I wrote the prequel to this post, “Who is God to me?” 8 months ago.

    8 months since my first prayer to the God of Jesus.

    8 months since the existence of demons became apparent to me.

    8 months since I realised that everything I thought I KNEW about God, Yoga, and the world we live in, was (mostly) wrong.

    I’ve come quiet a ways since then.

    Allow me to summarise, in 3rd person, my journey from that first prayer, to where I am today.

    SIDE NOTE: Elaboration of (1). (2),(3) ETC, can be found at the end of the article.

    TO SUMMARISE:

    • Girl is made aware (by God) that she is infested with demons and should cease all yoga practice, teaching and substance use(1), because they are making her vulnerable to infestation(2).
    • Girl, desperate and in grips of a suicidal BPD episode, heeds Gods voice, and prays for relief from torment. Experiences peace for the first time since childhood. (Symptoms of CPTSD began at probably 5 or 6 years of age in her)
    • Girl wrestles to let go of her identity as a yogi, quickly develops spiritual amnesia and backslides, whilst at the same time adopting a new Christian-ish spiritual practice.(prayer, daily bible reading, sporadic church attendance, sometimes whilst high…)(3)
    • The BPD demons return to torment her.
    • Despite her very best efforts, girl unable to quit nearly decade long substance abuse.
    • Girl pleads with God to help her gain freedom from addiction. Immediately post supplication, quitting becomes EASY (after 2 years of unsuccessful effort on her own power.)
    • Cessation of addiction brings little relief, Girl suffers ongoing torment of suicidal ideation and episodes of rage.
    •  Girl longs for the peace experienced after her first prayer for deliverance. She concludes that the only permanent solution is to find a minister capable of and willing to perform exorcism on her.(4)
    • The search begins. To her surprise (and frustration) her concerns are invalidated and her requests shrugged off, by more than one minister. (Demonology and deliverance, she finds, is not something openly spoken of in most church circles, despite the fact that it is mentioned in scripture multiple times and that spiritual warfare is the backbone of the faith)
    • The search continues. Eventually, girl is allocated an apprentice preacher to speak with her on the topic of deliverance. (although once again, her concerns are met with indifference and even condescension) He mostly assures her that deliverance is not needed and that dedicating oneself to Christ is sufficient for salvation. “Repeat after me” He says, as he prays a prayer of surrender to Christ  and declares her saved. She does not feel saved but does not say so. (5)
    • The search for deliverance continues.
    • Girl backslides even further and finds herself drawn back into the party scene she’d been trying so long to distance herself from(6)
    • After one particularly debaucherous night she finds herself, hungover and depressed, surrounded by beauty in one of the cities most lush cafe’s, unable to appreciate the abundance of blessings around her, for the ongoing torment of her mind. Suicidal ideation is back. The elation of the nights party replaced with dread, shame, and frustration at her lack of self control.
    • A radiant woman in white, sitting across the khondi from Girl, engages girl in conversation. Initially unwilling, girl is quickly drawn out of herself and into conversation with this beautiful stranger.
    • After a few short minutes, Girl deduces that woman in white has been sent by God to show her, once again, the path that she must walk for freedom.

    Here follows the reasons for Girls deduction:

    – Woman in white is a devout Christian with charismatic leanings, she offers mental health counselling alongside deliverance for optimal (biblical) healing.(7)

    –  Girl connects instantly to W in W and finds herself comforted by her presence, (a rarity for Girl, who’s normal state of being is a state of heightened anxiety.)

    – W in W shows clear signs of having very strong connection to God, Girl can tell by the love, peace and strength of her presence, and the God knowledge that she possesses.

    -W in W shares a similar back story to girl, having overcome many of the same demonic (egoic) influences.

    From here, things snowballed.

    1 week from the day of their meeting, girl experiences exorcism for the first time.(8)

    3 weeks from the day of their meeting,  girl successfully completes her first 3 day fast (would not have been possible without prayer) and is exorcised again, this time in a more private setting. (9)

    1 month since the day of their meeting, girl has been baptised,  is doing daily bible study, receiving revelations and expanding awareness. (The God ordained way, without substances or yoga, through faith and obedience) (10)

    Back to first person:

    I thought I’d found peace before, through yogic practices. I was fooled. Many are. There is power there. But it is not Gods power.

    My mental health problems are nearly a thing of the past, incurable personality disorders (Narcissistic personality disorder, borderline personality disorder) disappearing of their own accord.

    I might even be slightly less autistic once all is said and done.

    I have been searching for you for a long time, Lord.

    Thank you for never turning your face from me, even as I spat in it.

    I am resurrected from death and my children are blessed because I am healed.  

    And I will turn my life into a testimony to your grace, your power, your persistence and your BRILLIANCE.

    Salah, and Amen.

    1)To those of you who know that I am a mother:  I never used substances irresponsibly, around my children. I used **** to self medicate symptoms of CPTSD and BPD, and I used it once a day, maybe twice on really bad mental health days. Other substances were used sparingly, mainly for the purpose of expansion of consciousness, and I would make sure to never be around or responsible for my children at times of use. You may now put away you tar and feathers. lol. I know that many people will still condemn me for using substances as a mother and to them I would say…I am sorry that you’re triggered. I was doing what I thought needed doing, for the sake of my mental health. No one was harmed in the process, save for a few old dried out nasty tasting fungi.

    2)Christians term it “open doors” There are also “demonic footholds”, which are unrepented mental states that give the demons right to dwell within you.  Drugs are not the only open door. Some more examples of open doors are: Excessive alcohol use, gluttony,  pornography, gossip, lying, violence, promiscuity, Immoral behaviour.

    Some examples of demonic footholds include: unjustified prolonged anger, malice, greed, unforgiveness, jealousy, bitterness, sloth, gluttony, pride, vanity.

    3)O no she didn’t…

    4)The modern day church does not reference exorcism anymore, they have renamed it “deliverance” I suppose they think this will freak people out less. I agree. Thanks to Hollywood, the term “exorcism” is inexorably linked to Hollywood horror.

    (5)One useful thing did come from that interaction. During the conversation, the subject of praying in tounges came up. That same evening I tried it at home, and was  immediately subject to the following experiences:

    .Powerful energy surges

    .Divided states of self awareness,  where I would bare witness to the tounges but be separate from the voice mechanism of them.(ie. The tounges came from somewhere that was not me)

    .Body convulsing of its own accord.

     .Prayers cumulating in a hiss or a scream,(which I later came to realise was the process of self deliverance. (5,1)

    (5.1)I found some of the sensations experienced during these prayer times comparable to kundalini yoga practice. Initially, I (mistakenly) took this for confirmation of yoga as a valid means to connect with God. What was actually happening during kundalini yoga, was demonic infestation. And what was happening during prayer in tounges, was the expulsion of those demons. Hind sight is 20/20. Thank God for the grace of God.

    (6)Made all the more difficult due to the fact that so many amazing, talented, cool, liberal open minded inspirational people, are part of that party scene. I wish that I did not have to say goodbye and it is my hope that, some how… they are still able to see me the way that they used to.

    (7)undeniable synchronicity! Seek and ye shall find.

    (8)At a worship session in public, which I do not recommend. ( I feel deliverance is best done privately surrounded by a few people you are comfortable with.) Surrender is vital to the process. It will not be as effective if you are tense or on guard. My first experience of exorcism began spontaneously. I was surrounded by worship music and in close proximity to someone who walks very closely with the Lord. It was intolerable for the demons. All she needed was to put her hands on me and they couldn’t get out fast enough. The sensations were the same as I’d experienced when speaking in tounges ,and this is when I reached the conclusion that I’d been self delivering, all along. Only nowhere near as effectively as Kristel could deliver me.

    (9) I cannot say what the experience would be like for everyone, but for me…the demons were stubborn and legion. Pride. Vanity. Unforgiveness. The spirit of murder (no i haven’t murdered anyone…but I had the urge to once, quickly repressed, when I was a child strangling her younger brother, which you can read about in a previous post.(BPD and me) I attributed this to early onset psychosis which self awareness prevented from developing fully. Now I see, at that moment of violence, a demon entered me. At the instant of entry, I became aware of and frightened of it, repressed it by force of will, but it never left me. BPD is characterized by episodes of rage. Perhaps all people with BPD have a repressed spirit of murder within them. Perhaps psychopaths are severely traumitised people who have not been gifted self awareness the way that I was.)

    (10)HARD!!!! Surrender and the resulting humility is the most hard core thing you’ll ever do.

  • Who is God, to me?

    Honestly, I am no longer on firm ground when it comes to my notions on God. My spiritual world was turned upside down the day I grew desperate enough to pray to a Christian God I’d stopped believing in 22 years ago…

    Only a few weeks before, I’d been a devote Yogi, with daily spiritual practice of Qi qong and taoist centred meditations. I thought I’d find God in these practices alone, for seven years I’d pursued them with an obsessiveness that only an autistic can.

    Then came the 2 weeks from hell. ( or perhaps… from God?) A little more than 14 days of zero relief from the barrage of things that can and often do go wrong when you live in a 3rd world country.

    I was nearly mugged, 200m from my house. My spidey senses saved me, but the incident really shook me and shattered my naïve sense of safety.

    A transformer blew up near our house and our whole neighborhood was without power for nearly a week.

    My boys and I contracted malaria and a co-occuring parasite at the same time, leading to countless blood tests and treatment protocols, none of which really worked till 3 weeks in.

    Malaria is extremely dangerous in children under the age of 5. My boys are 4 years old. They take a daily dose of prophylaxsis, but over the course of 6 months I’d missed one or 2 doses. ( my frantic and not often fully present Autistic and ADD brain to blame…)

    So on top of the stress, I carried a heavy burden of guilt, shame and frustration.

    Misdiagnosis and incorrect treatment protocols are, unfortunately, pretty commonplace here. I did not know who’s opinion to trust, and my BPD/CPTSD mind is given to catastrophizing…I was convinced that the were going to die because they hadn’t received correct treatment and I would have to fight to save them.

    My little boys needed blood test after blood test…some clinics insisted on drawing from the vein. This experience was traumatic for them, by the end of it they were pretending to be healthy so as to avoid seeing another doctor.

    It was a real trial for me as well, and I was losing the fight against my triggers. Being an autistic mother who is very sensitive to sound in general and the sound of her children’s screams in particular, not to mention the stress and frustration of it all…I was having meltdown after meltdown, (ie: autistic overwhelm.)

    Eckhartte Tolle speaks about the pain body. When it is activated, your sympathetic nervous system is on overdrive and your thoughts and emotions are impaired and compromised. In someone with Autism, CPTSD and BPD, overwhelm can be a very scary thing. (Which is why it is my life’s mission to heal my brain, so that my children are not impacted by my trauma as I was by my father and mothers trauma.)

    And then… the straw that broke the camels back…

    I got a bad haircut.

    Like, a really bad haircut.

    People can be, and many often are…assholes. Before anyone tells you to not care about what people are saying about you (and your bad haircut)think about this…

    We DO impact each other. Not only our actions or the words that we speak but also our thoughts and feeling’s towards each other. Autistic people are super sensitive to all kinds of energies. Which is why I have zero self esteem and have sufferred most of my life with debilitating depression. Instead of denying the impact we have on one another, would it not be better to ask that we start being kinder, to each other, to ourselves? Just a thought. I digress…back on topic.

    At this point my mind was in full catastrophizing mode. My pain body was fully activated and my heart closed, I had no patience, kindness or time for my children. I hated myself and my mind and the body that assailed me with the unbearable sensations of heightened anxiety and dread.

    And then a thought came to me.

    (Actually, this same thought had been coming for awhile…a few months…whenever I was in the grips of a powerful BPD episode the voice would come…)

    And the voice said…

    “This is not only trauma. This in NOT only mental illness. This is a demon.”

    I’d dismissed this voice before, but the time had come where I was desperate enough to heed it.

    So I googled “demonic possession”. The first article which caught my eye resonated with me, was surprisingly scientific and practical. It spoke of demons in terms that I could understand from a psychological perspective.

    My next step was to you tube a prayer, to “release yourself from the grips of demons.” I was still incredibly dubious at this point, but like I said… desperation drove me.

    I prayed to a God I’d shunned and laughed at, for 15 minutes straight, repeating the words of the prayer along with the you-tube bot, letting my mind focus only on the prayer, pleading for relief from my “demons”

    And the relief was immediate. A peace settled on me that I cannot remember every feeling. I carried this peace with me for the next few days.

    I was still in my time of trial, things were still going wrong, we were all still ill and my book launch was coming up and technology was failing me…but I had peace. For the first time in my life, probably.

    So now I believe in demons and “open doors”. I believe that I have been wrong about many things. I am not ready to shun yoga and maybe I don’t have to, but I do see now that I can no longer enter into any spiritual practice lightly.

    Yoga gives power, it is undeniable. But nowhere in all my years did any teacher or scripture mention demons or how important it is to protect your mind and body from their influence.

    There is alot more to know. I continue to pray for direction and correction when and where needed.

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