This is a tricky thing to explain, even to myself. I shall try my best.
I’d like to begin with this quote from Eckharte Tolle:
The density of the ego depends on the degree to which you(the consciousness)are identified with the mind, with thought.
Our first task then, is to differentiate between the ego, and YOU.
To my mind, it is clear from this quote that YOU and the ego are not the same thing/being.
“The density (strength? Gravitational pull? Hypnotic power?) of the ego, is dependent to the degree to which YOU (the consciousness) are identified with your mind, with thinking.”
So Eckharrte Tolle believes that we (you) are the consciousness. And your ego, mind and thinking, is taking place within this consciousness but is NOT you, or the entirety of you.
So there is YOU(the consciousness), there is EGO, and there is MIND/THOUGHT.
(side thought: where does will power fit in to all of this? I’d say, will power exists within consciousness?)
And since the strength of the Ego is dependent upon the degree to which you are identified with the mind and with thinking…then this mean that the thinking brain is responsible for the formation and maintenance of the ego.
If you are over identified with mind/thought your ego is amplified, and YOU will act, behave and think, from the perspective of ego, and not spirit.
When totally identified with mind stuff, you ARE your ego, and are therefore UNAWARE of your true, spiritual and creative nature.
In other words, you are unconscious.
We could say that you are disconnected from source.
We could say that you are of the flesh and not of the spirit.
We could say that you are in a hypnotic state, under the spell of the ego.
We could even say that you are in an un-awakened state…you are sleep walking through your life, an ego acting out its role without the application of conscious will power or the help of divine interference.
the bible calls this “death”. (Death=unconsciousness. everlasting life=consciousness)
There are many kinds of ego and every ego is formed during childhood. If you were forced to suffer a traumatic childhood, your ego will reflect this, in the form of mental illness and/or addiction and/or personality disorders.
Only traumatized ego’s are capable of perpetuating evil. Only a fully unconscious being can act so contrary to it’s God given nature.
This is what Jesus meant when he said “forgive them, for they know not what they do.” He was referring to the unconscious state of mind in which they carried out their evil deeds.
Jesus knows that in a fully conscious state, evil is not possible.
It is only in an unconscious state that evil can be perpetuated. When we are unconscious we are separate from our spiritual nature and we are susceptible to infestation and attack by lower (evil…) beings.
BUT not even these “evil” beings are evil. They are simply totally unconscious.
As far removed from God as is possible to be.
We should pity them, and not hate them. Hate is of Satan. Maybe we should aim to understand the why of them, then maybe we wont fear them as much. I’d say that this is the Christ like thing to do, the Christ like way to think.
And I believe that it is important for us all to become close to Christ like in every thought and deed.
I believe this to be the very purpose of humanity.
Spiritual and psychological evolution. The transcendence of ego and alignment with the mind of the creator.
He knows all. She feels all. They SEE, all
To awaken from unconscious slumber and remove the veils to consciousness, one at a time, till none are left to mar our perception of reality, or keep us from knowledge of our true nature.
( I disagree slightly with Christianity and the concept of “original sin.” I don’t like the word “SIN” TBH. It freaks people out and makes it difficult to trust and love God.)
I prefer to think of sin in terms of…things you do to keep yourself from knowledge and experience of God.)
You are damned by the natural consequence of your actions. Not by God sitting up on Her/His throne being all Judgy.
To judge is to condemn and I do not believe that God does either.
This is why I believe that our purpose as humans is to become Christ/God like. This is how we move our species forward, into a higher realm of being, a realm in which prejudice injustice and inequality cannot exist.
Because these things are born of fear, and God is transcended of fear and we exist to learn to do the same.
We were NOT created to suffer our ego’s eternally. We must transcend ego and the fear on which it is based, and move into alignment with the highest parts of ourselves.
New agers would call this the process of spiritual evolution.
Yogi’s might call this the process finding God
Psychologists might call this the process of ego death, or transcending the ego.
Buddhists might call this the process of awakening.
Christians might call this being possessed of the holy spirit.
Metaphysisist’ might call this this process of expansion of consciousness.
The moment your Self awareness begins to grow your ego begins to be diminished/ to lose density. You begin moving out of the flesh and into the spirit.
To be fully conscious is to be close to Christ like in behavior speech and mind.
Because who we are, at soul level, without flesh forged ego…are perfectly pure and Christlike.
In John 10, Jesus says: “I and the father are one”he means that he is awakened to his true nature and he perceives that he is part of God.
In Luke 17:20-21 Jesus says “The kingdom of God does not come with observation, nor will they say”See here! Or see there!” For indeed, the kingdom of God is within you.” He means that the only way to find God is through perception and experience of God’s Truth, which happens inside of you.
We will find God within ourselves, on a spiritual journey of the psyche, an expansion of consciousness, an awakening to and transcendence of the ego. And finally, through total surrender.
Isn’t it all so wonderful and fascinating???
The following are Christlike characteristics: Compassion. Kindness. Open heartedness. Light heartedness. Selflessness. Generosity. Honesty. Truth. Respect. Humility. Gentleness.
If people you know exhibit these characteristics consistently then they are vibrating high, and are in closer alignment to spirit, weather they believe in God or not.
If they decided to embark on a spiritual journey they might find God a lot faster than someone living from a heavy ego. It may be easier for them. Maybe their peace shows less karmic debt, means they are closer to their time of awakening. Things to ponder…
God is love and so was Christ and so are we, UNLESS we are allllll ego.
The following are un-Christlike characteristics: Greed. Gluttony. Envy. Hate. Bitterness. Resentment. Dishonesty. Hostility. Stinginess. Cruelty. Violence. Selfishness. Laziness. Vanity. Unforgiveness.
In other words, every facet of FEAR is un-christlike, and can only exist in an unconscious state.
Once you begin the process of expansion of consciousness, your self awareness will begin to exponentially increase, and your ego will begin to lose strength and density. You will perceive more of reality, the monkey mind will lose it’s hold over you, and the presence of God will become more and more real to you.
Self awareness is only the beginning. To achieve full healing and uninhibited consciousness, heart transformation is needed, and this can only come from God. THIS is why surrender, supplication, trust and faith are a non negotiable part of the enlightenment journey.
None of us alive today are fully conscious, or there would be another Jesus amongst us. Was Moses awake, I wonder, or did God simply choose to show his face to him? He was a prophet for sure. As was Mohammed. But some say that Mohammed turned to violence to get his message across… if he did, it means he did not fully understand God for God would never condone much less demand violence. Does being a prophet make you awake? Questions to ponder…
There ARE many amongst us who are rising, and I believe that soon, we will witness more Christlike beings in one time of history than ever before.
This journey is of and for all. It is the destiny of human kind.
I for one am very excited for the shift to take place.
I was away from home for 3 weeks to attend the wedding of my baby(not so baby anymore apparently) brother and his surpassingly lovely wife.
Sigh.. .to be young and beautiful. ( I’m not bitter… Can you tell?) ( this is me doing sarcasm. Is it working?)
The loss of a woman’s beauty comes as a deep, cutting pain.
Many women ( and not only women..) subject themselves to all sorts of crazy protocols and procedures to avoid feeling the pain of this loss for as long as they possibly can.
Others accept the loss with grace, and how I envy them their freedom from vanity.
I would DEFINITELY have fallen into the former category…if I’d been living in a country with access to affordable anti aging treatments/cosmetic surgery I’d have been ALLLL over that.
As fate would have it I find myself here, in a 3rd world country, where only the very wealthy are afforded the luxury of more time with their beauty.
So I watch mine wither and fade and with it the attention and respect of men, and even women…and I wonder…how many more ways are there for the damned ego to create suffering?
And in my darker moments I wonder… Is God a sadist?
And then I apologise because no… Of course God is not a sadist.
Humans made the world the way that it is. God made us, and let us do our thang…and now we worship beauty in place of God.
Ironic? Perhaps not. Perhaps we seek God through beauty? A post for another day.
I digress.
I’ll pick up where I left off in my previous post.
“What even IS expansion of consciousness?”
I edited this post quiet heavily so if you’ve read it before and weren’t really resonating, maybe give this newer version another go.
Today’s post gives practical examples of what an expansion of consciousness can look like, in real life.
More specifically, what an expansion of consciousness looks like in MY life.
I had my first big change in perspective, leading to a big shift in perception (which is synonomous with expansion of consciousness. You cannot expand your mind if your perception stays the same….) at a pretty young age.
I was, 10 or 11 years old.
I didn’t recognize it then for what it was: The stirring of Self awareness (and consequently an awakening to consciousness) but that is what it was.
I’m going to tell you a story, a chain of violent events that became the catalyst for Self awareness to spring into perception.
With this new level of awareness, I was able to perceive myself for the first time, as both ego and other(which I now think of as my true Self) .
It all started with me, straddling my then 6 year old brother, hands wrapped around his throat, strangling him in a fit of rage.
I was a child given to violence, with a short temper. Quick to anger, quick to lash out with hurtful words and hands.
I was a bully, too. Mostly to my younger sister, but also sometimes towards Kyle, my junior by 6 years and the last and only born son.
*I don’t remember what started the fight. All I remember is experiencing a sort of rage induced black out… finding myself straddling him, hands around his throat.
He struggled for breathe and turned a frightening shade of pink.
I’m going to tell you something now, that only a handful of people know. It is a difficult thing to share, but I’m feeling like it should be shared.
Before I tell you, I would like to ask that you try and not judge me too harshly. You do not understand the circumstances of my upbringing. Young Heidi was violent because she was raised in violence.
God saved me from that narrative, he freed me of that particular evil, and salvation came in the form of self awareness, beginning on this day.
Back to our story.
Kyle was turning pink. There was adrenalin, and then fear… but also something else.
A split took place inside of me and I perceived it from afar… As conscious awareness. One part of me was horrified at what I was doing, of what I was capable of.
And the other part felt EXCITEMENT. At his pain, at his suffering. At it’s power.
The realization of this Evil inside of me scared me more than anything ever had before, or has since.
And then, in that moment of realization I chose to become the first part of me, the higher version, the Self.
I released him….and prayed to God to release me from that darkness. I swore to never again give reign to it… That thing inside of me that I am now convinced was a demon.
Not of God, not of Me….
Passed on through generational trauma (which is one of the ways in which demons move about.)
I conquered a demon that day, though I didn’t know it at the time, and something even more significant happened as a result…
Self awareness had begun to blossom within me.
After this incident, I began to change for the better, using my newly cultivated Self awareness and force of will, I made a practice of watching my hurtful words and my quick temper. I’d even set challenges for myself.
Today I will not belittle my little sister… Today I will challenge my dark mood/my impatience.
It took a little while, but eventually I weaned myself from inflicting cruelty, large or small.
And today no one who knows me would say I was ever capable of so violent an act.
This awakening of Self awareness was in itself, an expansion of consciousness. Suddenly I was capable of perceiving more, the separate segments of myself, and also more of the nature of reality.
Now there were 3 parts of me where there’d only been 1 before.
Ego. Self. And Awareness.
I used this expansion of consciousness to create a better version of myself. The version of myself that the Other(my true Self) wanted me to be.
And this is the lesson I took away from that experience:
. No man or woman is evil, but we can be possessed of evil.
. Evil can only be carried out by someone in a state of unconsciousness. ( slumber, Christians call this the spiritual death)
This is what Jesus meant when he said “forgive them, for they know not what they do”
For those of who you find the seriousness of the bible unpalatable, here is a scientific perspective on the matter:
The birth of self awareness is a disengaging of ego autopilot.
My auto pilot was disengaged, I suddenly became CONSCIOUS of the Self within me, and therefore aware of it’s NATURE and PURPOSE for me, and now I had a choice to make.
Would I acknowledge what Self had shown me?
Or would I look away and reengage auto-pilot?
Self awareness is what woke me up from my unconscious state of being. In that moment, the birth of Self awareness, I saw and perceived evil and I saw and perceived my Self and we were 2 separate entities existing in the same flesh.
I have experienced multiple expansions of consciousness, this was the first in my memory, and the most dramatic.
(Free speech is still a thing right? I can say these things without worrying about being carted off to a padded cell somewhere? Just checking…)
Thank you for taking the time to read. I look forward to hearing from you in the comments section. (is there a comments section? how do i set up a comments section?I’ll set up a comments session)
In my next post I will discuss my decade long struggle with food addiction, the next big shift in perception which would free me of that addiction AND set me firmly on the path to seeking God.
Till next time.
POST SCRIPT
*Already then, I was suffering from BPD and NPD.
BPD-Borderline personality disorder
NPD-Narcissistic personality disorder
An apology to my brother.
He is my first (and on this date, only…) subscriber.He says he doesn’t recall the incident…”my brain must have blocked it out”(I believe that this is exactly what happened… a child’s brain will block out the unbearable. It is a defense mechanism. Mine did the same for me. I remember very little of my childhood)
I am deeply sorry Kyle, for the trauma I inflicted. I see the amazing human being you have become, kind, intuitive and intelligent, generous and charasmatic..soooo very gifted in many MANY ways, and I am grateful that whatever damage I caused was overshadowed by your incredible strength and zest for life.
I am blessed and grateful to have you in my life and more than proud to call you brother. You will do special things, baby broheim.
I self diagnosed at the age of 30, after seeing, in the female lead of the netflix series “queens gambit”, behaviors and “peculiarities” that mirrored my own as a child. Forgotten behavior’s I’d long since learned to forsake. Not very accepting of autistic characteristics, was the society to which I was born…
Sorry South Africa, I’m going to hate on you a little bit. You kind of deserve it. Well, small town South Africa does, at any rate. I cannot speak from the perspective of someone growing up in a city…although I am of the opinion that there is a kind of nation wide abuse (casual cruelty and teasing culture) going on that no one really acknowledges. What is the IMPACT guys??? Resist the urge to be a dick! Fight the cruel thoughts. Don’t let them manifest. Choose good over evil! Just be nice for goodness sakes. Do you know how many addicts and psychopaths you are churning out?
South Africa does have its own individual brand of trauma and the way that said trauma manifests is unique to the people of our very complex and diverse society. So too do Germans, so too do Americans…Asians…Malawians…and on and on. It’s all at once fascinating and incredibly sad…the degree to which my and previous generations of humans were traumatized. The scientist in me is fascinated with the cause and effect of it all…the artist in me is distressed at the sheer enormity of this generational/collective trauma, and the spiritualist in me is aghast at the impact that this trauma will continue to have until one generation is brave enough to stand up and say”enough!
This world, the way that we live and treat eachother and relate to eachother…it’s all been formed by the minds of traumatized men. The trauma will continue until humans develop an advanced state of self awareness and transcend the collective traumitised ego.Why? Because only traumitized people become addicts. Become psychopaths. Become narcissits, meglomaniacs. Only the ignorant can remain “evil” and ignorance is a side effect of an unhealed human heart and mind.
I digress, back on topic.
At this point I would like to clarify that I do have an official ADD and autism diagnoses.Not that I really needed one…
I know from experience that the term “self diagnoses” will result in an immediate raising of the collective eyebrow. I really wish that this was not the case. It is a very frustrating thing, to have your theories, hypothesis, ideas and opinions totally invalidated by the knee jerk reaction of a species that has been brainwashed into believing that we are not allowed to use our own minds to make psychological or physiological deductions. I am labelled a layperson and told to stay in my lane. I say, if you have the intellect (as I am sure many or even most of us, do) to educate ourselves we will of course be able to identify whatever is amiss in our minds and bodies. In fact I’d go so far as to say that this is part of the process of becoming Self(and self) aware. Something that the powers that be are trying to avoid, perhaps?
Moving swiftly along (removes tin-foil hat….)
At first, I was in denial about the whole thing. When a google search revealed that the protagonist was written to have (what was then termed) “Aspergers”, I was like…
“pffft. I DO NOT have aspergers….”
.
.
“Wait, what is Aspergers?”
And so my search began. And it didn’t take very much digging before the initial denial became certainty.
I WAS Autistic.
And I was going to tell the world.
Because maybe, just maybe…if they knew the WHY of me, they’d be more accepting. If they know my limitations, they will not push me beyond what I can comfortably manage. If they understand that I am different than they are, they will no longer expect me to act the same as they do. If they realize what is special about me, they would make room in their hearts and their minds for someone who was put on this earth to create and challenge and explore and discover and to teach…as opposed to opposing my aspie energy at every turn.
Discovering my autism was life changing, but mostly internally. I no longer consider myself unloveable, I am simply misunderstood. I no longer carry guilt of not being able to fit in, I was not made to fit in. I no longer yearn to be the same as they are, I love what sets me apart.
Externally, not much has changed. People have expectations. They pass judgement. They think cruel thoughts. They lose patience, they invalidate. It took me awhile to accept that humans…we are slow to change. Psychological evolution, like its biological counterpart, is a slow process. All we can do is be consistent, and persistent, in our quest for equality, acceptance, understanding, justice, peace and kindness. We’re already moving in this direction.
Hypatia was a pagan philosopher of surpassing intellect and beauty. She lived in 355 AD Alexandria, Egypt, then part of the Roman empire.
She was a prominent and influential mathematician, astronomer and teacher.
She lived in a very turbulent era of Alexandria’s history. Christianity was on the rise and the Parabalani, a sect of violent zealots who served as Christian militia under the arch Bishop Cyril, spread discord and terror as they sought to force their “faith” onto Jews and pagans alike.
I use air quotes to describe the so called “faith” of these zealots, because no man with the true love of and for Christ in his heart will perpetrate such violent atrocities on his fellow human. A Christian may act in self defense, yes. And sometimes war was necessary in the pursuit of purging the world of men made evil by the spirits that rule them. But a true Christian would never use violence to force their faith unto another. These men did not know God, and neither did their Archbishop Cyril, for it was he who incited the mob to violently murder Hypatia on false accusations of witchcraft.
She was 30 years old when met a grisly end at the hands of the Parabalani. She was stoned to death with shards of roofing tiles, and her body mutilated. No man with Christ in his heart will have stomach for such violence, no matter the “sin” of the victim.
And that she was sinful is not in question, because we all are, every one of us. If God called for the murder of every sinner there would be no one left to populate the earth He created.
She did not know God, it is true. She did not prescribe to belief in any God, not even her own, for all she could see was the violence perpetrated by the so called believers of these faiths.
The Parabalani were the only example of the Christian faith that she was exposed to.
“As far as I am aware, your God has not yet proved himself to be more just or merciful than his predecessors.”-Hypatia, as played by Rachel Weis in the film “Adora”
Is it then surprising that she refused to bow the knee to the misrepresented God of the parabalani and their ambitious Archbishop?
I have no doubt that, if she had been allowed to live and use her God given intellect to unravel and marvel at God’s creation, He would have made His way into her heart.
It is what philosophers are called to… understanding of the nature of creation. God calls us to Him through the intellect. Submission and humility comes later.
We all come to God in our own way. Some through the heart, some through the mind.
Hypatia was a pure and gifted being. She died a virgin. She was kind, and compassionate, and a light unto the world into which she was born. She was more Christian than the men who murdered her were.
The story of Hypatia effected me deeply, because I too identify as an intellectual and a philosopher. God made me this way, and at the beginning of my Christian journey I felt I’d need to deny this truth to be accepted by those who follow Him. In the end, I could not do it, and I very nearly walked away from the Christian faith altogether.
And then …God led me to Catholiscm.
I am sure many of you would be surprised to hear that I still consider myself something of a feminist, and that my Catholic faith allows me this freedom. From the outside looking in, it might not seem this way, but since becoming Catholic, I feel for the first time since becoming a Christian, a sense of feminine pride.
Catholics believe that Mary is crowned as queen of heaven, and that she rules there, alongside her Son Jesus.
Catholics declare her the most holy and powerful human to walk the earth, second only to Jesus, who was half divine, so there is not real comparision.
Her courage, humility, chastity, obedience and faith, made her a worthy vessel for the son of God, and she is richly rewarded and revered in the catholic faith.
None come to God but through the Son…and then Son cannot refuse the mother.
Yes it is true woman are not permitted a place in the clergy, and for good reason…
Would you send your daughters to fight in the frontlines?
We women were not made for the fight, we are too sensitive and precious. Our strength is one of subtlety and loveliness. The soft beauty of a fragrant rose is trampled on the battle field but a source of divine inspiration if left in peace to blossom.
Does the rose bow to the sun, or does it grow in proclamation of it’s glory? And does the rose not demand respect? For it’s thorns will pierce any who handle it without care.
Mary was exalted and given a high position of power alongside her son in heaven, for her chastity, faith, obedience, courage and the love she holds in her heart for God and all of His creation.
She was most likely not an intellectual, which is the way she was created and perhaps this made it easier for her to BE holy. Because an intellectual mind is often plagued by pride, and pride is the largest stumbling block to a would be Christian, but ANY weakness/blindspot/shortcoming can and should be used as a method of sanctification.
If a prideful intellect can be bent to the will of God, and the voice of that intellect anointed… who amongst us will not be persuaded to turn to Him?
The human mind longs for knowing, the heart for feeling, and the soul for sanctifying.
I pray for the souls of the parabalani and their archbishop who surely burn in hell for their misrepresentation of God, and the weeds they planted during this time of violence. Weeds which would strangle many millions of Gods precious roses, and turn many million more away from a false sun that they could not reconcile the strength of their hearts and their minds to.
I also pray, for the soul of Hypatia. A woman condemned not by God, but by ignorant, unsanctified men.
Save her soul God, show her your true face. Lead all women who share in her spirit… the intellectuals and philosophers, the scientists and mathematicians…all us roses with thorns…please show us your love, heal our broken hearts, humble us where needed, and help us delight in the minds that you have gifted us, teach us to use them to serve You, despite the world.
In the name of the Father and of the Son and the holy spirit, Amen.
Food propoganda: They’ve made addicts of us all! The “distasteful” addiction (which most of us suffer from…) that no one wants to talk about
It has been 2 weeks since I last published, my humble apologies. My intentions are pure but… my adhd brain is scattered and depression(cleverly disguised as procrastination) loves to keep me from doing the things I love and ought to do.
Also I have spent the last 2 weeks planning and prepping for my twins 5th birthday party which should be fun and frivolous but… when you’re an autistic perfectionist, can quickly turn into a logistical (expensive…) nightmare. All worth it in the end..the kids had a great time and so did I! Surrounded as we were by friends and love.
We bring joy and beauty of creation through work/effort , next year I plan to not let myself get too stressed out by the process. Easier said than done but hey…a girl can dream.
I try not to make too many excuses for things that I cannot control but, please know…I do feel badly about my inability to maintain structure. Do not judge me too harshly… if you had my brain you’d know how hard it is, to function at the level of neuro-normies.
This week, I will be speaking on a touchy subject, one that has brought me much hate over many a social media platform. Perhaps I was abrasive in my approach…I am not known for the gift of subtlety. BUT…in general, people seem to be quiet easily and intensely triggered by this topic.
Why is this, I wonder?
I believe it has to do with toxic shame and vanity, and the uncanny ability we humans have of deceiving ourselves when a Truth is too uncomfortable to bare.
Maybe you have your own opinions around this topic, I would be glad to read them, any and all comments and criticisms are welcome and encouraged. I enjoy me a good debate, good for the mind, good for expansion.
I have written this philosophy for my clients, and it reads as such, but it is generic, and is applicable to everyone, food addict or not. It may offer you some useful insight into the nature of the pandemic of obesity, which may lead to a kinder more tolerant viewpoint on the whole. Fat shaming is still a thing people. It absolutely should not be, cruelty in any form should no longer be present in human hearts but here we still are. Perhaps, not for much longer. A girl can pray…
So without further to do, here it is: My philosophy for weight loss.
We live in a world that, in general, has cultivated in and forced upon us a very unhealthy relationship to food and our bodies.
This is the reason that many MANY people (I’d say the vast majority of people living the kind of lifestyle that affords them consistent access to a variety of foods…)are struggling with weight and food addiction issues. (It is possible to have food addiction without being overweight. If you manage the addiction well enough it need not impact your waist line, this does not mean that your mind and mood are not impacted)
So point number 1 for you is…FEEL NO GUILT FOR YOUR FOOD ADDICTION AND WEIGHT ISSUES. It is a toxic society that has caused this in you. Guilt is a BIG driving force in unhealthy relationship to food and the body. NOTICE when you are feeling shame or guilt, and remind yourself that this is NOT your fault. When the feelings/thoughts of guilt and shame arise…acknowledge them, and gently push them aside. The more you do this the less power the guilt will hold over you.
The way we think about things, and the way we label things, is very important.
I would like for you to begin thinking of your issues with food as an addiction. If there is a certain food that you turn to for comfort, a certain food you cannot seem to stop eating, even though you know how bad it is for you…then this IS an addiction and should be treated as such.
(the addiction can be specified to one food but, eating in general can also become the addiction, as it was for me.
I would binge eat, and not be able to control myself around food. My weight would fluctuate. I would have periods of strong will power, where I could fight the addiction for long enough to lose weight, and then inevitably, my will power would crumble and I would succumb to the addiction again. The weight would pile back on.)
It was a never ending cycle and I was miserable in it.
After nearly a decade of struggle, I was able to finally break the cycle, rise above the addiction, and I can help you do the same for yourself.
It is a psychological process more than anything else, which is why this philosophy is very important.
I am going to show you how changing your perspective can break cycles of addiction, freeing you from them, rather than fighting a never ending battle against them.
I have developed a multi pronged approach to breaking the cycle of addiction.
PHSYCHOLIGICALLY- Change your thinking around your issues with food. Food, like any substance (drugs, alcohol…)can become an addiction and I think that in our present society, it has become the largest unacknowledged addiction.
It is not openly spoken about, there is alot of shame surrounding this addiction and it’s effect on the human body (ie. Excess weight),
and we are exposed daily to marketing campaigns that actively drive the addiction.
When you think about it this way, you will see that it is almost impossible NOT to develop a food addiction of some kind.
(and why are we all so susceptible to addiction in the first place? Is it because our souls are starved of true nourishment, that can come only from one source, THE source …I am talking about God…which, coincidentally, modern society seems set on discouraging altogether?
Or pehaps(and not unrelated to our souls need for divine connection…) addiction is a coping mechanism in a species doomed to suffer intergenerational trauma that is a direct result of being forced to participate and live in an imbalanced society?(see my article on yin and yang, bringing balance to a toxic society)
I know for me, it was intergenerational trauma that did it. Obesity is not genetic. What is “genetic” is BEHAVIOUR learned, in my case from my mother.
I watched her fight a losing battle against food addiction all her life. A once stunningly beautiful woman, the addiction robbed her of it and her self esteem.
I watched her go through the same cycle I did, rally the will power…find some ill fated fad diet, lose the weight, be unable to sustain said fad diet (because most of them are developed by lunatics and totally unsustainable. I watched my mother put BUTTER in her morning coffee, and truly believe that this was the solution to her weight woes…) then fall back into the same toxic eating pattern that caused the excess weight in the first place.
The saddest part for me, was when she’d approach me, sadness tinged hope in her eyes, desperate for the lie…” am I really THAT fat?” She was over 100kgs at this point, and 163 cms tall. Surely she could not NOT know? Yes mom, you really are.
I remember harboring the same delusions. I’d catch a glimpse of my bloated body, sadness and hopelessness would overwhelm me, and instead of FEELING the truth, I’d repress it…”I’m not THAT fat…most women I know are bigger than me…I am curvy. Boys like a little extra cushion for the…” you know. Avoid the Truth at all costs.
The turning point came for me, the day I decided to NOT look away from the distasteful image of my overweight frame. To NOT repress the feelings of sadness…”Look at my beautiful body! I did this to myself! And I hate it!”
From here, I began asking questions…why was it so hard for me, and all of the women in my life, to maintain a normal weight? Surely that could not be normal…
Self awareness had began to blossom and the Truth began to reveal itself to me.
The collective attempt of women in my life…small town housewives and their daughters…stuck in the same awful cycle of toxic shame and self delusion, subconsciously keeping each other trapped there. “You’re too skinny. You know when you reach my age say goodbye to your figure! etc.etc…”
Food propaganda…. The trauma driving the depression causing me to seek comfort via bingee eating.
The picture became clear, and the shift in perspective allowed me to step outside of the narrative I’d unknowingly fallen victim to, and just like that…my food addiction was beat. I began seeking ways to heal my mind, to cultivate even more self awareness, and the weight…which had been a secondary symptom all along…dropped off effortlessly. I have never again been a slave to food,
I digress. Back on topic.
In our current society, food is seen as one of the principal ways to induce pleasure. We use it as a reward and status symbol.
Eat a croissant with your morning coffee and you are sophisticated.
Have some meaty/salty snacks whilst watching your favorite sport game with friends (I’m looking at you South Africa and the tonnes of biltong consumed at every weekend rugby match) and you can relax and have a good time.
These are 2 examples of food propaganda and it enables and encourages worldwide food addiction.
Food is for NOURISHMENT AND SUSTENANCE and yes, also for enjoyment… God would not have made food taste so good if it was not meant to be enjoyed…but we must control the impulse to meet every physical desire or the desire will become destructive.
Do not despair the loss of your “favourite” foods!
Once you have established a heathy relationship with food you will be able to enjoy the odd treat, even participate in the social food rituals, without guilt or adverse impact.
Once reset, your body will tell you when it has had enough, and you will begin to notice the impact of unhealthy foods on your mind, so you will not WANT to indulge too often, maybe not even at all.
It will become your new nature, you will crave health above egoic bodily satisfaction. And then you will enjoy a balanced lifestyle, without the unhealthy implications.
Getting to this point that will take time and patience, with yourself and the process. I am here to help and guide you. It is so worth it. Being free of food addiction is liberating, and it has helped alleviate many mental illnesses in me, that go along with being slave to our addiction…(such as depression, anxiety, low self esteem, etc.)
Physically- Trick your body into craving healthy foods/snacks
People often underestimate the power that cravings have on the mind. Your body has become used to a certain way of eating and now you are trying to change that. There will be kick back, you must expect this and prepare for it.
There are ways of making this process easier…
The mind will experience the cravings of the body and will begin to weave all sorts of elaborate stories to get the body what it wants. Your job is to remain vigilant and not fall for these stories.
(Here we apply the philosophy of separating mind from body from awareness. You are the awareness and you can exert will power over the mind/body)
Initially, into the first 2 weeks of this journey, I would like for you to ALLOW YOURSELF TO GIVE IN TO THE CRAVINGS.
Do not fight them and NEVER allow the guilt to take up space in your psyche, push it gently aside and remind yourself that this is a detoxing process you are going through…no need for guilt.
GUILT IS TOXIC, LOW VIBES…it is a trick of the ego and you do not need it. Please remind yourself of this constantly. The world we live in drives guilt which goes hand in hand with all sorts of mental illness/disorders. We must build our defenses against the guilt and it all starts with AWARENESS.
ou will feed your cravings, thereby giving your body what it wants, getting the mind to stop bugging you, but you will trick the body, by indulging In healthier, and then eventually, ONLY healthy foods.
SO for example if you are craving yoghurt, have some yoghurt. In that first week, have the yoghurt, BUT only allow yourself HALF the usually amount and replace the rest with healthy foods, like fruit or nuts…If it is sweets you are craving, have a sweet fruit to go along with the half serving of yoghurt. Or raisins or cranberries. (“But I don’t like fruits…” then have some dried fruit…BUT also remember, not liking something is simply a sign of not being used to something.
Challenge yourself to become used to tastes and textures that are unfamiliar and eventually you will enjoy them. Believe me, the body craves HEALTHY foods…once you begin this process of reprogramming, your body will drive it and it will become easy.
If it is crunch you are craving, have half a bowl of cereal (with NON dairy milk…for the first week you can mix, half dairy and half non dairy, then the second week ¼ dairy and ¾ non dairy, by week 3 you should wean totally off dairy because this is the biggest culprit in your weight gain and it is super important to wean off…but do it slowly, with kindness and patience, and it will be sustainable)
Replace the other half of the snack with some lightly salted popcorn, cooked in minimal oil (best to buy the popcorn kernels in the packet, not the microwave kind) This is my go to snack when I feel like comfort binge eating, which i sometimes still do when my depression is activated.
NOTE: Times of hormonal surges are times when depression is at it’s worst, and depression is a big driving force in addiction. (for example, During menstruation women are highly hormonal. So allow yourself the binge if you need it…
just slowly replace the unhealthy snacks with healthy ones, with will alleviate the guilt immediately and allow you to meet the need without the damage. Eventually, once your mind is healthier and by proxy, your body, these episodes of needing to binge will become less and less.
If it is salt you are craving, popcorn, nuts and even lightly cooked vegetables are all good options.
Edamame beans cooked in salted water is my go to savoury snack. (When I first began this journey, I HATED vegetables. Now, I cannot go a day without eating 3-4 healthy and basically prepared ( cooked in minimal oil or water, with some salt and seasoning…)vegetables.
I love vegetables now, my body craves them and i do not feel satisfied until i have had my daily dose.
It took some time to get used to, I was accustomed to only eating vegetables once a day with dinner, and prepared in really unhealty ways…with a cheese sauce or some kind of rich gravy…(we don’t even taste the vegetable this way…)
But with a little bit of willpower, my taste buds have changed completely and my body thanks me for it by being and LOOKING healthy, strong, fit. You will get there too I promise.
This brings me to another important point:
THROW TRADITIONAL MEAL TIMES OUT OF THE WINDOW.
Another damaging ideology is the one of:” these are breakfast foods, these are lunch foods..these are dinner and snack foods, etc.”
This practice of only eating certain foods at certain times of the day is WASTEFUL AND LIMITING.
It is also stressful, and frustrating, when you do not have x food available for breakfast you will find yourself grumpy all day.
It also causes you to spend more money purchasing foods you don’t need to meet the demands of societal food norms, when you could be whipping up some veggie stir fry for breakfast with left over rice and broccoli.
I would like for you to begin thinking of FOOD AS FOOD.
I often eat rice, eggs and vegetables for breakfast. With fruits to break my fast in the morning.
Then a big meal at about 10am…I do not eat lunch, i never feel hungry at lunch time, and i eat an early dinner, 6-7pm, a another large meal.
If i do feel peckish during the lunch hours I’ll eat some fruits and nuts but this is more for enjoyment as I never really feel hungry at this time.
That being said, each body is different, I do not want this to be overly unpleasant for you.(some unpleasantness is unavoidable, we are reprogramming the brain and resensitizing your body to be able to detect unhealthy foods in excess. )
There is a detox and withdrawal phase when stopping any addiction, which cannot be avoided. But we will make it as bearable as possible by applying the psychological principals of patience, persistence, perseverance and kindness.
What works for me may not work for you. Intermittent fasting works for me and many others. It is something to get used to, try work up to it over 3 weeks and see how you feel.
Next issue (promise!) We’ll discuss the insidiousness of the meat and dairy industry, how excess meat and dairy consumption is effecting our planet, our bodies, minds…and our relationship to God.
A turn of phrase…BPD is not a drug. Although it does impair consciousness and skew perception. Being borderline places me, literally, on the edge of sanity. Luckily for me I have self awareness and God on my side. One day I’ll be free of this particular set of demons. And on that day I’ll write a book helping others to do the same, for themselves.
Until quiet recently (2, 3months ago)I was not at all familiar with BPD (borderline personality disorder). Initial knowledge thereof came in the form of a friend, expressing concerns for her sister, who holds an official BPD diagnoses.
As she spoke of her sisters struggles with the disorder, listing her symptoms (suicidal ideation, antisocial, compulsive and self destructive behavior’s, social isolation, mood swings and manipulative behavior’s) alarm bells were going off in my mind.
“Pay attention Heidi.” They said. ” Here is another piece to your psychological puzzle.”
I was not unfamiliar with these alarm bells. They’d sounded before, with a similar message but in different context.
They’d sounded 5 years ago, as I watched “queens gambit” and recognized traits of autism (portrayed by the female protagonist) in myself. This is how I self diagnosed autism at the age of 30 (my diagnoses later confirmed by the scientific community, something which I very much resented having to obtain, you can read my rant on this here…my Autism diagnoses)
They’d sounded again about a year after my autism diagnoses, as I happened upon a you-tube video, by Heidi Priebe (great mind. great name! lol) on CPTSD(complex post traumatic stress syndrome)
“CPTSD” was not as tough a pill to swallow as “you’re autistic!” had been. By this point I knew that my neurology was severely impacted by trauma, I was only lacking in the scientific vocabulary to express this to myself and others…
I am a firm believer of not trying to conceal any mental illness or personality disorder… not from your peers, nor your family, not even from your children.
Firstly, because it would be impossible to do so in the long term…(which is why I suspect that many of us turn to self isolation when we become too exhausted to mask for the people in our lives any longer.)
Secondly, because we can not heal if we do not fully embrace the impact of our trauma.
And thirdly, because the cycle of global trauma will only come to an end when we stop being ashamed of it’s manifestation in ourselves and start asking, nay, demanding! For compassion, kindness and allowance. To be. Just as we are. Until the time when we can reverse the brain damage inflicted by external trauma.
…and then the bells tolled for BPD.
Was I surprised or disheartened, by this new level of comprehension?
Not at all. I was relieved, if anything. For awhile I’d known that there was something even more deeply wrong with me, a delusion, unconscious narcissistic tendencies, than CPTSD could explain.
Knowledge of BPD wrapped it all up in a neat little bow for me. Finally, I had the full picture. And I was vindicated. For years I’d been trying to get people to believe just how f@cked up I really was. They didn’t, and why would they? I’d never consciously shown them the depths to my damage.
Nevertheless, the impact of the inner battle I fought against these BPD demons was impossible to hide…the depression, the self imposed isolation, the rapidly ageing face of someone living with their sympathetic nervous system constantly activated, pumping cortisol into the blood, the angst and anxiety and self loathing and pessimism and intrusive thoughts draining their vitality, their very life force.
You cannot ever completely hide the battle within, not when it rages as intensely as it did within me.
We can only fight effectively against the demons that we know. I choose illumination over ignorance, every time. No matter how painful the Truth.
