My apologies for the time between posts.
I was away from home for 3 weeks to attend the wedding of my baby(not so baby anymore apparently) brother and his surpassingly lovely wife.
Sigh.. .to be young and beautiful. ( I’m not bitter… Can you tell?) ( this is me doing sarcasm. Is it working?)
The loss of a woman’s beauty comes as a deep, cutting pain.
Many women ( and not only women..) subject themselves to all sorts of crazy protocols and procedures to avoid feeling the pain of this loss for as long as they possibly can.
Others accept the loss with grace, and how I envy them their freedom from vanity.
I would DEFINITELY have fallen into the former category…if I’d been living in a country with access to affordable anti aging treatments/cosmetic surgery I’d have been ALLLL over that.
As fate would have it I find myself here, in a 3rd world country, where only the very wealthy are afforded the luxury of more time with their beauty.
So I watch mine wither and fade and with it the attention and respect of men, and even women…and I wonder…how many more ways are there for the damned ego to create suffering?
And in my darker moments I wonder… Is God a sadist?
And then I apologise because no… Of course God is not a sadist.
Humans made the world the way that it is. God made us, and let us do our thang…and now we worship beauty in place of God.
Ironic? Perhaps not. Perhaps we seek God through beauty? A post for another day.
I digress.
I’ll pick up where I left off in my previous post.
“What even IS expansion of consciousness?”
I edited this post quiet heavily so if you’ve read it before and weren’t really resonating, maybe give this newer version another go.
Today’s post gives practical examples of what an expansion of consciousness can look like, in real life.
More specifically, what an expansion of consciousness looks like in MY life.
I had my first big change in perspective, leading to a big shift in perception (which is synonomous with expansion of consciousness. You cannot expand your mind if your perception stays the same….) at a pretty young age.
I was, 10 or 11 years old.
I didn’t recognize it then for what it was: The stirring of Self awareness (and consequently an awakening to consciousness) but that is what it was.
I’m going to tell you a story, a chain of violent events that became the catalyst for Self awareness to spring into perception.
With this new level of awareness, I was able to perceive myself for the first time, as both ego and other(which I now think of as my true Self) .
It all started with me, straddling my then 6 year old brother, hands wrapped around his throat, strangling him in a fit of rage.
I was a child given to violence, with a short temper. Quick to anger, quick to lash out with hurtful words and hands.
I was a bully, too. Mostly to my younger sister, but also sometimes towards Kyle, my junior by 6 years and the last and only born son.
*I don’t remember what started the fight. All I remember is experiencing a sort of rage induced black out… finding myself straddling him, hands around his throat.
He struggled for breathe and turned a frightening shade of pink.
I’m going to tell you something now, that only a handful of people know. It is a difficult thing to share, but I’m feeling like it should be shared.
Before I tell you, I would like to ask that you try and not judge me too harshly. You do not understand the circumstances of my upbringing. Young Heidi was violent because she was raised in violence.
God saved me from that narrative, he freed me of that particular evil, and salvation came in the form of self awareness, beginning on this day.
Back to our story.
Kyle was turning pink. There was adrenalin, and then fear… but also something else.
A split took place inside of me and I perceived it from afar… As conscious awareness. One part of me was horrified at what I was doing, of what I was capable of.
And the other part felt EXCITEMENT. At his pain, at his suffering. At it’s power.NPD
The realization of this Evil inside of me scared me more than anything ever had before, or has since.
And then, in that moment of realization I chose to become the first part of me, the higher version, the Self.
I released him….and prayed to God to release me from that darkness. I swore to never again give reign to it… That thing inside of me that I am now convinced was a demon.
Not of God, not of Me….
Passed on through generational trauma (which is one of the ways in which demons move about.)
I conquered a demon that day, though I didn’t know it at the time, and something even more significant happened as a result…
I’d become Self aware.
After this incident, I began to change for the better, using my newly cultivated Self awareness and force of will, I made a practice of watching my hurtful words and my quick temper. I’d even set challenges for myself.
Today I will not belittle my little sister… Today I will challenge my dark mood/my impatience.
It took a little while, but eventually I weaned myself from inflicting cruelty, large or small.
And today no one who knows me would say I was ever capable of so violent an act.
This awakening of Self awareness was in itself, an expansion of consciousness. Suddenly I was capable of perceiving more, the separate segments of myself, and also more of the nature of reality.
Now there were 3 parts of me where there’d only been 1 before.
Ego. Self. And Awareness.
I used this expansion of consciousness to create a better version of myself. The version of myself that the Other(my true Self) wanted me to be.
And this is the lesson I took away from that experience:
. No man or woman is evil, but we can be possessed of evil.
. Evil can only be carried out by someone in a state of unconsciousness. ( slumber, Christians call this the spiritual death)
This is what Jesus meant when he said “forgive them, for they know not what they do”
For those of who you find the seriousness of the bible unpalatable, here is a scientific perspective on the matter:
The birth of self awareness is a disengaging of ego autopilot.
My auto pilot was disengaged, I suddenly became CONSCIOUS of the Self within me, and therefore aware of it’s NATURE and PURPOSE for me, and now I had a choice to make.
Would I acknowledge what Self had shown me?
Or would I look away and reengage auto-pilot?
Self awareness is what woke me up from my unconscious state of being. In that moment, the birth of Self awareness, I saw and perceived evil and I saw and perceived my Self and we were 2 separate entities existing in the same flesh.
I have experienced multiple expansions of consciousness, this was the first in my memory, and the most dramatic.
(Free speech is still a thing right? I can say these things without worrying about being carted off to a padded cell somewhere? Just checking…)
Thank you for taking the time to read. I look forward to hearing from you in the comments section. (is there a comments section? how do i set up a comments section?I’ll set up a comments session)
In my next post I will discuss my decade long struggle with food addiction,
the next big shift in perception which would free me of that addiction AND set me firmly on the path to seeking God.
Till next time.
*Already then, I was suffering from BPD and NPD.
Borderline personality disorder, Narcissistic personality disorder.
An apology to my brother.
He is my first (and on this date, only…) subscriber.He says he doesn’t recall the incident…”my brain must have blocked it out”(I believe that this is exactly what happened… a child’s brain will block out the unbearable. It is a defense mechanism. Mine did the same)
I am deeply sorry Kyle, for the trauma I inflicted. I see the amazing human being you have become, kind, intuitive and intelligent, generous and charasmatic..soooo very gifted in many MANY ways, and I am grateful that whatever damage I caused was overshadowed by your incredible strength and zest for life.
I am blessed and grateful to have you in my life and more than proud to call you brother. You will do special things, baby broheim.
Love you
fromtheedgeofsanity.com 